


Beyond the Darkness that Masks

by No_Illusions



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Angst, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Electrocution, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, M/M, Torture, Whump, also somehow Nile has become just as involved in this story as Nicky and Joe are, and he hates this about himself, and read the author notes, because nicky knows how to play monster when he needs to, but that doesn't really make it much better, but we're going with explicit because of the context of the violence, everyone is emotionally traumatized but it's gonna be fine, everyone is ok and joe and nicky are ok, it's awful for everyone, it's implied that they've discussed this possibility and agreed to it, nicky has to torture joe in this one, not sure if the level of violence here is mature or explicit, okay guys this is a rough one, on the bright side, please please use caution before reading this, some crusades angst, there is a happy ending i promise, to maintain his cover while andy saves people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:34:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28077039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/No_Illusions/pseuds/No_Illusions
Summary: “Are you going to tell me who you work for, and save yourself some pain?” asked the man.“Fuck you.”The man sighed and stepped back, releasing Joe’s hair. He looked over his shoulder, making eye contact with Nicky, who smirked and pushed himself off the wall, moving towards them.“Make him talk,” the man said.Nicky smiled wider. “Of course.”__When a job goes wrong, Nicky has to maintain his cover until Andy can get there.PLEASE READ THE TAGS AND THE AUTHOR'S NOTE. This is gonna be a rough one, guys.
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 68
Kudos: 359





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Alright guys, here's what we've got. 
> 
> Nicky tortures Joe in this one. It's for a job, they've discussed this before, it's implied that some variation of this has happened before, and literally no one is happy about it. It's awful for everyone involved. 
> 
> It's very very important to note that this fic contains spouse-on-spouse violence. It's not quite domestic violence, because it's not domestic, but the topic could definitely be close enough to be triggering for that reason, so please proceed with caution. 
> 
> Title from "Cross the Green Mountain" by Bob Dylan.

They hadn’t meant to get caught. It had just been a simple day of surveillance, no different than any other day for the past few months. It was a long term job, trying to take down a human trafficking ring, but it would be worth it. Joe and Nile had been on watch, with Andy coordinating from their safehouse. Nile had a moment to be grateful that Andy hadn’t been on surveillance duty today -- the three of them were rotating out. Normally, they could have had two full pairs, of course, but Nicky wasn’t with them. He’d been undercover with the traffickers since the beginning of this job, much to everyone’s displeasure. But it had been agreed that it was necessary, and that Nicky was the best one for the job -- none of them were willing to risk Andy on this, Nile was too new and still had no undercover experience, and Andy had looked between the two remaining members of the team for a moment before pronouncing, “Nicky,” and that had been that. 

Joe was handling it pretty well, all things considered. He was tense and hadn’t been sleeping well, but that was to be expected. Nicky had been checking in weekly, although there had been no direct contact between them, and things seemed to be going well. He was gaining the trust of the traffickers, although Nile noted that he had never specified  _ how _ he was gaining that trust, which was enough to tell her that she probably didn’t want to know. 

They were hoping to wrap up the job in the next few weeks, and they were all getting a bit antsy to be done. Nile wasn’t sure if she and Joe had gotten clumsy, or if the traffickers had just gotten lucky, but from one moment to the next, they’d been surrounded, and in the scuffle, Joe had taken a blow to the head that had knocked him momentarily unconscious. It had been enough for the others to subdue Nile and roughly ziptie their wrists behind their backs. Joe had jerked awake and just as she’d seen one of the men move to pistol-whip him again, Nile had seen a flash of movement in her periphery and the world had gone dark. 

When she’d woken up, she’d found herself cuffed to a pipe in what was presumably the basement of the building they’d been watching. Her ankles were restrained as well, and both pairs of cuffs were digging so tightly into her skin that she’d be genuinely worried about losing some fingers or toes to lack of circulation if that was something that could happen to her anymore. 

Joe was similarly bound, except that he was cuffed to a chair in the middle of the room, a bare bulb dangling above him the only source of light.  _ Cliche _ , a distant part of her mind observed. When he saw her awake, Joe met her eyes. 

“No matter what, don’t tell them  _ anything, _ ” he said seriously, and she heard what he hadn’t said:  _ Don’t tell them about Nicky. _

She nodded, bracing herself. Surely they would just have to bide their time until Nicky could get them out. After all, wasn’t that one of the perks of having an inside man? But something in Joe’s serious expression made her think that maybe it wouldn’t be that easy. 

They sat in silence for a few more minutes until the door swung open. About a dozen men walked in. She recognized a couple of them as relatively upper-level members of the group, including the leader of this particular branch of traffickers, and the others as various lower-level goons. At the back of the group, listening to something that one of the men was saying and huffing out a breath in amusement, was Nicky. 

It was a shock to Nile to see him here, even though she’d known she probably would. They’d been watching him from a distance for months now, and the persona he was wearing shouldn’t feel unfamiliar. Yet it was still jarring to see him, arms crossed, relaxed with the men around him as though they were friends. His eyes raked over her and Joe briefly, and all she saw in them was a sort of cruel amusement, matched on the faces of his companions. Nile shuddered, and found herself blinking back tears at the immense  _ wrongness _ of it all. 

The leader stepped forward, crowding into Joe’s space. Joe sneered at him, and the man grabbed Joe’s curls and yanked his head back so that he was forced to look up into the other man’s face. Nile couldn’t stop herself from glancing at Nicky. His face didn’t even twitch. He was leaning against the wall, relaxed, amused. 

“Are you going to tell me who you work for, and save yourself some pain?” the man asked Joe. 

“Fuck you.” 

The man sighed and stepped back, releasing Joe’s hair. He looked over his shoulder, making eye contact with Nicky, who smirked and pushed himself off the wall, moving towards them.

“Make him talk,” the man said. 

Nicky smiled wider. “Of course.”

Pulling out a knife, Nicky stepped over Joe until he was nearly straddling him. Joe leaned back as the knife flashed forward, and Nile heard him hiss in pain as the knife sliced a line down the upper half of his t-shirt, also making a shallow cut in his chest. Blood trickled out, masking the fact that the cut was already gone.

Nicky looked down at Joe for a moment before nodding and beckoning one of the other men forward.  _ He’s checking if Joe is still healing. God, he’s really going to do this, _ Nile thought to herself, horrified.

The man walking towards Joe and Nicky was carrying a car battery, and Nile jerked in horror. Was this what Joe had been thinking about when he’d told her not to tell them anything, not to give Nicky away? She’d almost scoffed at his reminder then -- as though she’d tell these people a thing. But now Nile had to bite her lip to keep herself from screaming Nicky’s name, begging him not to do this.

Nicky took the battery, securing a couple of wires to Joe’s chest. They were partially hidden by Joe’s shirt, and Nile realized that, by only cutting the shirt half off, Nicky had ensured that the fabric would conceal the healing of any electrical burns.

Nicky took a step back to stand by where the battery had been placed on the floor. He looked at Joe, face inscrutable.

“Last chance to talk,” he said.

“Fuck you.”

Nicky flipped the battery on, and Joe screamed. 

Nile screamed with him, jerking forward against her chains, calling Joe’s name. His whole body was convulsing, jerking in the chair as electricity coursed through his veins. 

She wasn’t sure how long it was before Nicky flipped the switch again. She felt wrung out, exhausted as though she’d just run for miles. Her lungs were burning and her head was buzzing and she was pretty sure there were tears on her cheeks. 

Joe sagged in the chair, letting the cuffs hold him up as he leaned forward. His breath was coming in harsh gasps, and his body was still twitching, jerking sporadically and causing his breath to hitch in pain. Nile remembered Nicky telling her once that electricity was one of the slowest things for them to recover from, which sucked because it was particularly painful, but could be good in certain situations because it allowed them to effectively hide their healing. 

Now, Nicky leaned over Joe again, yanking his head back to force him to meet his eyes. 

“Who are you working for?” Nicky asked, voice calm and deadly. 

“Fuck you,” Joe said again, but his voice was weaker and he sounded exhausted. Nile wanted to scream. 

Nicky nodded, expecting this answer, and stepped back to flip the switch once more. 

___

Nile wasn’t sure how long it went on. Hours, at least. At some point, one of Nicky’s ‘friends’ had left the room and come back with a bucket of water, which he’d tossed onto Joe before Nicky had turned the battery back on. 

That had been a particularly bad one. Joe had passed out after a couple of minutes, his eyes rolling up in his head even as his body kept jerking and twitching with electricity. 

When Joe had woken up a few minutes later, Nicky asked again, “Who are you working for?”

“Please stop.” Joe’s voice sounded broken. 

Nicky appeared unmoved. “Tell me who you work for.”

“No… please…” 

A moment later, Joe was screaming again.

___

As soon as Nicky had seen Joe and Nile dragged unconscious into the building, he’d known what he’d have to do.

A quick trip to the bathroom had allowed him to text Andy, rapidly typing out a message to the burner phone that was his emergency point of contact. It had only taken a few seconds for Andy to respond:  _ I need 5 hours. Drag it out.  _ Nicky had allowed himself a moment to close his eyes and brace himself, before he had replied in the affirmative and gone to find his boss and beg for permission to be the one to torture the husband he hadn’t seen in three months.

He knew the traffickers would relocate after this, either moving or killing their current captives, knowing they’d been found out somehow. Andy would use her five hours to get out the current victims, using Nile and Joe’s capture as a diversion, before coming to their rescue. They could regroup from there and put together a new plan to make sure that the entire organization was destroyed, not just the people here today. 

Until then, Nicky had to stall. 

___

Seeing Joe was like a punch in the stomach, but Nicky forced himself to laugh at whatever the bastard next to him was saying. It was something cruel about Nile, but Nicky pushed down the sick, roiling anger in his gut, and promised himself that none of these people would touch his little sister. He would keep the focus on Joe, and Joe would understand. This wasn’t the first time they’d been in a situation like this, although it didn’t happen often. But they’d talked about it, they had plans, scenarios they’d agreed upon and worked out ahead of time. It didn’t make it easier, not really. But it helped to know that Joe was in on this, that this was a mutual performance. 

_ Five hours. _

___

Four and a half hours had passed, and Nicky was nearing his breaking point. Joe was slumped in the chair, shaking, his breath coming in gasping sobs as Nicky loomed over him. Out of the corner of his eye, Nicky could see Nile, who was staring at them with wide, unblinking eyes. She looked like she was in shock. 

After every round of electrocution, Nicky stepped forward to stand over Joe. He would ask his questions as he looked down at his trembling husband and checked that his burns were still healing. They were, and so he would continue. 

Joe had stopped swearing at him after the first hour, had been reduced to begging after someone had thrown a bucket of water on him. Nicky hadn’t really noticed who, was too busy trying to hold himself together, trying to keep from screaming and throwing himself onto his knees in front of Joe, begging for forgiveness, begging to be the one tortured instead, begging for this day, this job, this whole fucking thing to be  _ over _ .

_ Thirty minutes. _

“Who are you working for?”

Joe whimpered and shook his head.

Nicky flipped the switch, and Joe’s screams tore through him once more. 

___

“Who are you working for?”

_ Twenty minutes. _

Tears ran down Joe’s cheeks. He was shaking with muscle spasms, his breath catching as he jerked and twitched, leaving him moaning and whimpering in agony. 

“Who are you working for?”

“Please, no more,  _ please. _ ”

“Then tell me who you’re working for.”

Joe sobbed.

Nicky flipped the switch.

___

Nicky flipped the electricity off, and Joe’s screams stopped.

_ Seven minutes. _

Distantly, Nicky could hear Nile’s voice, begging. “Please stop, he’s had enough, please, you’re going to kill him, please stop.” 

Joe could hardly keep his eyes open, and the tremors were constant now. He was still healing, and Nicky knew this was just the effect of prolonged electrocution on their bodies, but he agreed with Nile, it  _ was _ enough.  _ Andy, please. _

“Who are you working for?”

Joe didn’t respond, and Nicky reached forward to jerk Joe’s head back, forcing him to look up. Joe’s eyes were clouded with pain and tears, the latter flowing steadily down his cheeks. He’d obviously bitten his tongue a few times, because his teeth and lips were covered in blood which had dripped down his chin as well. His eyes were darting back and forth, wide with fear, instinctually looking for a way out, a way to escape, and Nicky was  _ shattering. _

He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t hurt Joe anymore like this, it was enough,  _ Andromache please where are you _ .

“Should we see if he likes a knife any better?” It was his boss, speaking from a few feet behind him. 

“Of course,” Nicky said, because  _ four minutes _ , they could do this, they had to do this.

He pulled out the knife he’d used earlier to cut Joe’s shirt, and Joe’s eyes locked onto the blade as he flinched violently away, shaking his head.

“No, please, no.”

“Then tell me who you work for.”

“I  _ can’t. _ ”

Nicky plunged the knife into Joe’s shoulder, and Joe screamed, his body thrashing in an attempt to escape the pain but only succeeding in driving the knife in further. Nicky held it there for a moment. He felt his boss’s eyes on him, and he twisted the blade, Joe’s whole body jerking and spasming beneath him. 

Nile was screaming again, Joe was screaming, and in his head Nicky screamed too, as though he would so easily be able to drown out the pain of the man he’d loved for over nine hundred years. 

And then, almost inaudible over the sound of their screams, gunshots. 

_ Andy. _

Nicky jerked the knife out of Joe’s shoulder and spun, moving forward in one fluid motion to slit the throat of the man who had been his ‘boss’ for the last three months. As he went down choking on his own blood, Nicky pulled out a gun, firing off one shot, two shots, three, and the door burst open, and more gunshots sounded, and then suddenly Nicky was the last one in the room standing. 

Nicky fell, his knees giving out and landing on the concrete with an awful crack --  _ not enough pain, not pain like he’d inflicted on Joe  _ \-- and he was vomiting up everything he’d eaten before this day had gone to shit. He was pretty sure he was also crying,and the room was spinning and everything felt surreal. 

_ Joe. Where was Joe.  _

Nicky lurched to his feet, spinning back towards the chair and nearly crashing into Andy, who was leaning over Joe and undoing his cuffs. Nicky shoved past her, frantic, and reached out to rip off the wires still taped to Joe’s chest.

But when he reached out his hand, Joe  _ flinched _ . 

Nicky jerked back, stumbling away. Of course Joe didn’t want to be touched by him, not yet at least. It made perfect sense. He couldn’t blame Joe for that. He’d react the same way, Nicky knew.  _ It made sense. _ But it also made no sense, because nothing made any sense in a world where Joe flinched away from him.

Andy sighed, and tilted her head towards Nile in an obvious order. And Nicky nodded, unsure what else to do, unable to even think past the keening in his mind. He wasn’t sure how he got to Nile, but then he was standing over her, kneeling down next to her, reaching out to undo her cuffs. Her breath was coming fast and uneven, and she froze when he brushed against her, eyes wide and cornered, and Nicky hadn’t felt this monstrous in centuries. 

Nicky knew why Andy had chosen him to go undercover for this job. He was very good at playing monster, for the simple reason that he had been one once. The Nicolo di Genova who had stood on the bloody battlefields outside of Jerusalem, blinded with hatred and fear and rage, had been monstrous. He’d clawed his way back from that, with Yusuf’s help, but he would spend the rest of his many lives working to atone for the wrongs he had done. 

But now Nicky felt like he was outside of his own body, as he freed Nile from her cuffs, and offered her a hand up that she did not take and pretended not to see. There was Nicky, or the person who pretended to be Nicky, but really he was still Nicolo di Genova, crusader and monster, capable of any atrocities that he believed justified. 

Today he had tortured his husband for five hours, while Joe had screamed and cried and begged him to stop. It should have been the worst thing he had ever done. It wasn’t.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for your kind comments! 
> 
> So, the bad news is, this chapter has rather more hurt than comfort (again). But I couldn't move on without giving Joe's perspective! So we get a bit of Joe, and a bit more Nicky too. 
> 
> The good news is that the comfort is next, and I've added a chapter to the fic, so there will be at least two chapters of comfort. Maybe three if necessary. Everyone is going to be very comforted by the end of this, I promise. 
> 
> Once again, I just want to remind everyone that this fic contains spouse-on-spouse violence, and that this chapter is particularly rough because we're dealing with Joe's perspective here, so please proceed with caution.

They’d talked about this, many years ago, alone in their room after Booker had the dubious privilege of being the first one on the team to be electrocuted. 

“It’s something to keep in mind,” Joe had said.

“What is?” Nicky asked.

“Electrocution. If we can ever pick how we’re tortured.” It should have been a ridiculous thing to say, but it wasn’t, not in the lives they led. 

“Booker says it takes forever to heal and hurts like hell.”

“True. But it makes us look normal. Won’t raise suspicion.”

“So, if we can ever pick, for ourselves or each other, you vote electrocution?”

“Yes,” Joe had said decisively. “Yes, I do.”

___

Joe had known what was coming, although there hadn’t been a good way to warn Nile. As soon as Nicky discovered they’d been taken, he’d get in touch with Andy. And if Andy couldn’t get here in time, Nicky would have to take control of the situation, would have to be responsible for concealing their healing from the traffickers. And the only way to do that would be if Nicky volunteered -- begged, if necessary -- to run the interrogation. 

And so he hadn’t been surprised when Nicky had been summoned forward to take over, or when the car battery had been brought out. He’d even smiled a little to himself, deep in the recesses of his mind, thinking back to the conversation they’d had decades before and loving Nicky with all his heart for giving him even the tiniest bit of control over this situation. Joe trusted Nicky completely, implicitly, and nothing that could happen here would change that. But he still appreciated the gesture, the way that Nicky had left this decision up to him and would carry out his wishes even though it would hurt them both _.  _ This was going to be excruciating, for all three of them, but it would keep them safe, keep them hidden. It would be worth it. 

It wasn’t the first time that they’d been in a situation where one of them had had to hurt the other. It had only happened a couple of times before, not often. And it was always odd, Joe thought distantly, as Nicky’s familiar hands taped wires to his chest, carefully hidden under the ruins of his shirt. It was always odd the way that they had to go distant, had to bury their minds so deep in order to give over control to a part of themselves that could do this, could hurt the other. The only times in their over nine hundred years when Nicky touched him like he meant  _ nothing _ were in times like this. Even when they’d first met, when they’d killed each other over and over and over again, every touch had meant  _ something _ . Now Nicky’s hands brushed his bare skin like he was a stranger, and part of Joe almost believed it. How could they be anything but strangers, for Nicky’s touch to be so perfunctory?

But the illusion was shattered with the first shock of electricity, and Joe began the constant battle not to cry out for Nicky, to beg his husband to help him. He couldn’t do that, not here, and every ounce of mental strength Joe had developed in the last nine hundred years went into  _ not _ saying Nicky’s name. 

Nicky’s voice. “Who are you working for?”

_ Nickynickynickynicolo. _

“Fuck you.”

Pain again. He was screaming.  _ Nickynicolonickynickynicolo. _ Wordless screams. In his mind, Joe buried Nicky’s name deep, covered it in stone and buried it under sand, drew up his scimitar to stand guard over this, the one thing he could not say.  _ Nickynickynicky. _

___

Booker had been right. Electrocution hurt like all hell.

Joe knew he had lost track of time. The pain was still there, even when Nicky -- _Nicolonicoloplease_ \-- switched off the battery. Joe was trembling, shaking, couldn’t stop the way his muscles spasmed. He was sobbing, and he hated this, hated feeling out of control like this, hated the way his body was betraying him. In his mind, the ground shook, and the rock and sand burying _Nickynicolonickyithurtspleasemakeitstopithurtsnicolo_ shifted. Joe planted his feet, hefted his sword, and the ground stilled. 

There was only pain, pain, pain,  _ Nicolo _ . Sometimes in the distance, when the pain was less and his screams didn’t drown out everything else, he could hear his husband’s voice, cold, demanding, cruel. In his mind, Joe shied away.

(Back in the room, Nicky asked “Who are you working for?” and Joe flinched.)

Sometimes he heard another voice too, screaming or pleading or calling his name. But it wasn’t Nicky’s voice and he didn’t know how to answer, so he let it drift away as his body shook and shuddered and jerked and he huddled in his mind, pleading  _ Nickynickynickyplease. _

___

The shock of cold water pulled him back to reality, and for a blissful moment Joe thought it was over, thought that the pain would stop. But of course not, that didn’t make sense. Joe looked up at Nicky’s looming form.

“Who do you work for?”

_ Nicolo? _

He couldn’t open his mouth. There was only one thing he would say, and he couldn't.  _ Nickypleasenicolonicolo. _

Nicky nodded as though he understood, but his eyes were cold and hard and cruel. He flipped the switch. 

Joe’s entire world whited out into pain that was absolute and all-consuming. He didn’t know where he was, who he was. He was screaming, he was sure, and for the life of him he couldn’t tell if he was saying anything, he hoped not, but he couldn’t even remember what he was supposed to not be saying, he just knew that he couldn’t, couldn’t say it, but it hurt, it hurt, please, please, Ni -- 

It was a relief when the world went dark. 

___

“Who are you working for?”

Joe couldn’t do this. He couldn’t take this anymore, he just couldn’t. His body was trembling and jerking and he felt so helpless, so out of control. He couldn’t hold back his tears, couldn’t look up at his husband, couldn’t fathom one more moment of this pain.  _ Nickynickynickynickynicolo. _

“Please, no more,  _ please. _ ”

In Joe’s mind, his walls were crumbling, his foundations shaking. Sand and stone moved, and he scrambled to hold them in place, to protect what needed to be protected.  _ Nickynicoloican’tpleaseican’tnicky. _

“Then tell me who you’re working for.”

Joe sobbed.  _ Nickynickynicoloibegofyounickyhelpme. _

Nicky flipped the switch, and Joe screamed a wounded, wordless scream.

___

A flash of light on metal. Adrenaline rushed through Joe’s veins at the new threat. A knife promised more pain, promised the continuation of this suffering, and he couldn’t, he couldn’t,  _ Nicoloican’tdothis. _

“No, please, no.”

Joe felt disconnected from his body, as though he was floating. His nerves were on fire, and the constant twitching just made it worse as exhausted muscles were forced to move against their will.

“Then tell me who you work for.”

_ Nickynickynickynickyiliveforyoueverythingisforyou.  _ He couldn’t say it. He wouldn’t say it.  _ Nicolo. _

“I  _ can’t. _ ”

The blade plunged down, and Joe’s entire body jerked as he screamed. Even as he bucked against this new pain, in his mind, Joe basked in the  _ difference _ of it, in the break in the neverending cycle of his nerves,  _ burning _ . This was better, this was localized, he could do this, he could -- 

The knife twisted, and Joe broke. He couldn’t do this.  _ Nickyplease. _

And then the knife was gone, and Joe was left gasping and twitching and sobbing. Distantly, he heard screaming and gunshots and voices and he had no idea what was happening and he couldn’t remember why he was supposed to care. 

Then hands were on him, and he jerked away --  _ nonononomorenickynonickyhelp _ \-- but the hands gently followed. Familiar hands, safe hands. Somewhere in his mind, he knew those hands, and when they touched him it didn’t hurt. A voice was murmuring to him, a voice he knew, but not Nicky’s, not cold and hard and cruel and  _ wrong. _ This was soft, crooning.

“Joe, Yusuf, sweetheart, it’s ok, I’m going to get you out of these cuffs now, ok? Yeah, let’s do that.”

And the cuffs were falling away, but then there were more hands, and Joe jerked again, because those _ were _ Nicky’s hands, and he was so confused. Nicky was everything, and the emotions swirled in Joe’s mind: love, fear, safety, pain, _ lovelovepainlove _ ,  _ Nickynickynicky. _

Then Nicky’s hands were gone and other hands were back, helping him stand even though he was shaking and he couldn’t get his muscles to cooperate. 

“It’s ok now, Joe, it’s ok.” Andy. Andy’s hands, Andy’s voice. Andy had him, it was ok. More hands. Less familiar, but still loved. Nile. Andy on one side, Nile on the other. 

Nicky? Where was Nicky?

He opened his mouth, tried to ask, but couldn’t, he couldn’t say the name, he wasn’t supposed to say the name, he couldn’t remember why, but he knew he couldn’t, it was buried,  _ Nickynickynicky. _

But Joe had to know, so he tried again.

“Where --”

_ Nickynickynicky. _ He couldn’t say it.

But Andy seemed to understand anyway. “He’s here, Joe, he’s with us. Nicky’s here and he’s safe, I promise.”

Joe sagged in relief, and let his family carry him along.  __

___

Joe was only semi-aware of their trip back to the safe house. His nerves were on fire and every few seconds his entire body jerked with spasms. He knew they were in a car, felt hands -- not Nicky’s hands, where was Nicky? -- holding him close. Nile’s hands? Andy would be driving. Nicky?

“Get some sleep, Joe.” Nile’s voice.

_ Nickynickynicky. _

He couldn’t say the name. 

___

Nicky felt cold. He hadn’t approached Joe since his husband had flinched from him in that chair. They were in the car now, and Andy was driving, Nicky sitting upfront in the passenger's seat, while Nile sat in the back with Joe’s head cradled in her lap, and it was all so wrong.  _ Wrong wrong wrong. _

Nicky was shivering, and Andy kept casting him worried glances. Nile hadn’t looked at him at all, and Joe seemed so out of it, Nicky wasn’t sure he’d seen _ any _ of them before passing out on Nile’s lap. Even in his sleep, Joe was twitching periodically, and his face was tight with pain.

“I electrocuted him for five hours,” Nicky said into the silence. His voice sounded wrong to his ears. Was it his own voice? Was it the voice of the monster who’d tortured Joe? Was there a difference? Nicky didn’t know anymore. He felt unbalanced, the different parts of himself spinning around, keeping him off-kilter. 

No one said anything. 

“Andy.” Nicky’s voice still sounded wrong, but he kept talking. She needed to understand. “Andromache, did you hear me? I electrocuted him for five hours. I stabbed him. He begged me to stop. Nile begged me to stop. I kept going.”

Andy sighed, and reached her hand over to rest on his leg. Nicky sat still, frozen. 

“I know, Nicky. It’s ok.”

“It’s not ok.”

“It’s not your fault, then. I’m the one who told you to do it. We both knew what I was asking of you.”

This was true, Nicky conceded. But still, it wasn’t enough. It didn’t make it better.

“He’s afraid of me.”

Andy sighed again, but her voice was infinitely gentle. “No, he’s not. You know how this works, Nicky. Remember Vietnam? You couldn’t stand my touch for days. Not because you were actually afraid of me, but because your body hadn’t caught up to your mind yet.”

_ But I don’t want to wait days. _ Nicky couldn’t say it. It was too childish, too selfish. And he  _ would  _ wait days, if that’s what Joe needed from him. He would wait years. He would wait centuries to touch this man again, if that’s what Joe asked of him. 

“It was the same, that time in France, remember?” Andy continued. “It took a little while until you could let Yusuf touch you again. And that’s okay.”

Nicky did remember France, barely. He knew what Andy was saying. But that didn’t change the fact that a  _ need _ was growing inside Nicky, threatening to swallow him whole, threatening to consume him until he imploded and there was nothing left of him at all. A need to hold Joe, to feel his husband whole and safe in his arms. 

Nicky didn’t know he was crying until Andy’s hand left his leg to reach up and brush his cheek. Nicky blinked, and felt more than heard a whimper escape his lips. 

“Almost there, Nicky,” Andy said, and Nicky nodded, even though he didn’t know where they were or where they were going or what would happen when they got there. He didn’t care about any of it.

___

An eternity later, Nicky felt the car stop. He was trembling with the effort of holding himself together, kept glancing in the rearview mirror to look at Yusuf but his husband was blurry and Nile was blurry and he was pretty sure he was still crying but he couldn’t  _ stop _ . 

“Nile, could you bring Joe to the bedroom, please?” Andy’s voice.  _ Joe _ . Nicky should help, but he couldn’t make himself move.

More voices. Doors slamming. Then Andy was next to him, leaning into the car, unbuckling the seatbelt he’d automatically buckled. They were trying to wear seatbelts now, to encourage Andy to take mortal safety seriously, but Nicky couldn’t remember getting into the car, let alone buckling himself in.

Her hands were on his arms, guiding him forward, and he went with her, stumbling as she pulled him upwards. He felt distant, dazed, so disconnected from everything he’d done, from  _ everything _ , that he didn’t feel real at all.

“What am I?” he asked, and immediately wished he hadn’t. He didn’t want to know the answer.

“Oh, Nicky.” And Andy’s hand was cupped around the back of his neck, pulling him towards her. So he went, falling forward like a puppet with its strings cut, collapsing into her shoulder, wrapping his arms around her waist as she held him tighter. He was sobbing now, desperate, hiccuping sobs tearing out of him so violently that it was painful. He was falling apart, finally shattering. All the self-control that he’d been using to hold himself together was gone.

“It’s ok, Nicky. I’ve got you. You can let go.”

It wasn’t Joe’s voice, even though those were words Joe usually said to him, but it was Andy, Andromache, his big sister, and he was safe, safe, it was over. He let go.

___

Nile couldn’t carry Joe outright, but she managed to nudge him awake enough to get him to stumble from the car and up the stairs. He was still jerking with the occasional muscle spasm, but it was much better than it had been. 

“Where --?” Joe started, but then stopped. He sounded wrecked. 

Nile waited to see if he would finish the question, but he didn’t. His breathing was coming more quickly, panicked. They were almost to the bedroom.

“We’re in the safehouse. Nicky is downstairs with Andy. They’ll be here soon. They’re ok. Everyone’s here and everyone’s ok.”

They were at the bed, and Nile lowered Joe onto it. He lay there, breathing heavily, eyes wide and unfocused. 

“Nile, I can’t,” he said. He sounded terrified. 

“Can’t what?” she asked. She hoped he wouldn’t notice that she was shaking.

A couple of tears rolled down Joe’s cheeks and Nile bit her lip to stop herself from crying too. She was so out of her depth here. She needed Andy, but Andy was with Nicky and she was all Joe had. But what could she possibly say to the man in front of her, who had just been tortured for five hours by his husband of nine hundred years? 

“I can’t say his name,” Joe said. 

Nile blinked. That wasn’t what she’d expected him to say. “Nicky?” she asked, confused. 

“They can’t… I can’t… They can’t know who he is, Nile, please. We can’t give him away.” Joe seemed to be working himself into a panic, and Nile squeezed his hand, hoping to ground him. 

“They don’t know who he is, Joe. They’re dead, and Nicky is with us. The job is over. Everything’s okay now.”

“Ni-- Nile, I can’t.” 

Nile had no idea what to do.

“That’s ok,” she told him, trying to sound confident and reassuring. “Give it some time, yeah? Try to get some sleep, Joe.”

He didn’t look particularly comforted and she was concerned that he’d try to stay awake, to agonize further over whatever the hell was going on in his mind, but she needn’t have worried. Joe’s body jerked and he groaned as a particularly intense muscle spasm washed over him, and after it was over, his eyes drooped closed as exhaustion pulled him under.

In the silence, Nile could hear Nicky’s agonized sobbing from somewhere outside the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! 
> 
> Comfort is next, I promise. And we'll get to see some of how Nile is handling everything.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thank you all again for the wonderful comments. Honestly, nothing is more inspiring, and I appreciate every single one. 
> 
> Here, finally, we can begin the comfort. And it's a nice long chapter to make up for making you all wait until chapter 3. Also, I'm thinking this is going to be 5 chapters, because there are a lot of conversations that need to happen before everyone feels better. 
> 
> Quick reminder that this fic deals with spouse-on-spouse violence which is close enough to domestic violence that it could be triggering for some people. Please proceed with caution.

Nile stayed with Joe until Andy appeared at the door, beckoning her into the hallway. Andy’s hair was wet, and Nicky stood behind her, also freshly showered but looking dazed, eyes blank and unseeing. 

“Come on, Nile. Let’s go downstairs,” Andy said, and Nile couldn’t stop her glance at Nicky, hating that she didn’t want to leave him with Joe, hating that she didn’t know if she could trust him anymore. He didn’t look at her, just kept staring straight ahead, but he seemed somehow to curl further in on himself under her gaze. 

“Nile.” Andy’s voice was sharp, and her body reacted to the command before her mind had a chance to think. She was almost to the bottom of the stairs when Andy caught up to her, guiding her into the kitchen and shoving her gently into a seat. 

Nile just sat there, distantly recognizing that she was probably in shock, as Andy moved around in her periphery. A small eternity later, Andy placed a mug in front of her. Nile inhaled. Mint tea. Usually after a bad mission, it was Nicky who made her tea.

Andy sat down across from her with a groan. 

“Are you hurt?” Nile asked, the world around her suddenly sharpening into focus. 

But Andy shook her head. “Just stiff. Mortality sucks.”

Nile nodded, and went back to staring at the tea. 

“Did you want to talk about it, kid?” Andy’s voice was gentle. 

“Nicky hurt Joe.” Nile couldn’t keep the plaintive note from her voice. She knew she sounded childish, but right now, Nile felt like a child. She’d never thought she’d see that. It had never even crossed her mind as something she should fear seeing.

“I know, kid.”

“In my head, I keep hearing Joe screaming. Sobbing. He was begging Nicky to stop, and Nicky  _ didn’t stop. _ ”

Andy made an understanding sound, encouraging her to continue. 

“Andy, I feel like I never knew Nicky at all. Like it’s all been a lie. Like,  _ who is he _ ?” She didn’t know how to reconcile the man she’d been living with, trusting, learning to love, with the version of Nicky she’d seen today, cruel and vicious and perfectly capable of spending hours torturing the man he called the love of his life.

“People are complicated, Nile. You know this.”

“Not  _ that  _ complicated.” What she’d seen today wasn’t complicated, it was  _ horrifying.  _ It made her want to grab Joe and throw herself between him and Andy and the terrifying monster that Nicky could apparently become.

“Given enough time, they can be. We’ve had a lot of time. Nile, Nicolo was not a good person when he died the first time. He  _ thought _ that he was a good person, thought that he was doing the right thing, but he was wrong, and in that wrongness he was cruel and violent and he hurt and killed a lot of innocent people.”

Nile angrily brushed tears from her cheeks. “That isn’t making me feel better, Andy.”

Andy snorted. “It’s not a feel-good story, kid. But it’s an important story. And it’s not just about Nicky. When they met, Nicky and Joe were in the middle of a violent religious war, and it wasn’t a war Yusuf chose but once he was in it he gave as good as he got. We’ve all done awful things, and we can all be monstrous when we need to be.”

“Okay,  _ then _ , sure. But now? Nicky’s not that person anymore, right? And he loves Joe, I  _ know _ he loves Joe. You’re not supposed to be able to do something like that to someone you love!”

“Even to protect them?” Andy asked, and Nile hated her for the calm ruthlessness of her voice.

“That wasn’t protecting him! That was torture!”

“Yes, and it was awful, but it could have been a lot worse. What if they’d discovered his healing? They would have, if anyone but Nicky had done it. Or what if they’d grown bored of Joe, and moved on to you?” Nile flinched. “I’m not saying that to be cruel, Nile. I’m saying it because it’s true. They were not good men, and they would not have been kind.

“I gave Nicky a job to do. His job was to drag the whole thing out, to keep things interesting enough that the traffickers stayed distracted for five hours while I rescued their captives, all while concealing your healing and making sure that nothing happened that you or Joe couldn’t come back from. It wasn’t an easy task, and I wish I’d never had to ask it of him. But dozens of people are alive and safe today because of what Nicky did.”

Nile didn’t know what to say to that. It made perfect sense, which was the worst part. But the necessity of it had never really been the problem. The problem was the absolute horror she felt when she remembered Nicky’s face, cold and cruel and remorseless, as he looked down at Joe, twitching and sobbing in pain. The problem was that she didn’t know how she would ever be able to look Nicky in the eyes again.

“I hate that he was even capable of doing that, though,” she said when the silence dragged on. 

Andy smiled sadly. “So does he.”

___

Joe woke with a scream, body convulsing with pain that was no longer real.

_ Nickynickynickypleasenicolo. _

Everything was wrong. He was in bed, alone, just like every night for the last three months, but it was wrong, Nicky should be here. Nicky, with his cold eyes and cruel voice and a knife covered in Joe’s blood. Nicky should be here, holding him, kissing him, crooning out his name in comfort. 

_ Nicolonicolonicolo. _

Joe tried to call out for his husband, but the name wouldn’t come, and instead the sound that came out of his mouth was just a wordless and desperate wail.

Then suddenly a figure was looming over him, and Joe jerked back towards the wall, hating himself even as he scrambled to get away, eyes darting around the room in search of escape. 

The figure jerked back as well, throwing itself away from the bed, and a moment later the lamp turned on, and there was Nicky on the other side of the bedroom, lamp chain held in one shaking hand.

Two pairs of wide, panicked eyes met across the room, and Joe promptly burst into tears. 

Nicky stumbled towards him as though he couldn’t help himself, slowing as he got nearer, tripping over the cot he’d apparently been sleeping on and allowing himself to thud to his knees by the side of the bed. 

“I’m sorry, Yusuf, Joe, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry beloved, Joe, Joe, Joe --”

Joe threw himself forward, arms outstretched, and Nicky caught him. Nicky’s hand cupped the back of his head, carding through his curls as though trying to erase the violence with which he’d previously yanked on them. 

Joe buried his face in his husband’s neck. Nicky had showered and he smelled like their soap, and everything in Joe melted at the smell, at those familiar arms wrapped around him, holding him like he was something precious, like he was something known and loved and cherished. There was an intimacy there that warred with Joe’s memory of his husband’s perfunctory touch from before.

As much as Joe wanted to stay in Nicky’s arms forever, this was probably in their top five most uncomfortable hugs. Joe was leaning his body out off the bed to where Nicky was kneeling, half-sprawled over the cot that he must have shoved up against the bed in an attempt to protect him even while giving him space. Nicky was supporting Joe’s entire torso, and one or both of them wobbled slightly every few seconds as they tried to retain their balance.

When Joe pulled back, Nicky let him go immediately, eyes wide as he leaned back to give Joe more room. But Joe shook his head, reaching out for Nicky’s hand and pulling him up onto the bed with him. And Nicky came, as Nicky would always come where Joe asked him to.

“Joe,” Nicky whispered, eyes filled with tears as Joe made room for him on the bed, guiding him so that they were laying down facing each other, legs tangled and torsos pressed together. Joe buried his face in Nicky’s neck again, and Nicky’s arms wrapped around him once more. 

“Yusuf, I am so sorry. Oh god, I am so sorry.” Nicky sniffed, obviously trying to hold back tears.

Pulling back from where his face was buried in Nicky’s neck, Joe opened his mouth to reassure him, but the words didn’t come, and instead he was choking on sand and suffocating in stone.

“Joe?” Nicky asked.

He shook his head, eyes wide and mouth snapping shut with a whimper. 

Nicky flinched at the sound.

“Please,” Joe finally said, the only word he could make his mouth form. Nicky jerked like he’d been slapped, as both of their minds flashed back to that room and the hundreds of times Joe had already pleaded with him today. 

Nicky tried to pull away, but Joe clung tighter. He didn’t have the words to explain this, didn’t have the words to tell Nicky what was happening. Every time he tried to open his mouth he was back there and Nicky was asking questions that he couldn’t, wouldn’t, answer, and when he didn’t answer there was pain, and he couldn’t do it anymore, he just couldn’t. 

Joe shook his head, burying himself once more against Nicky’s solid body, tucking his face into Nicky’s neck. He was shaking and whimpering and he hated this  _ so much _ . 

Nicky tried to pull away again. 

“Joe, Joe, let me go, I’m making this worse, I’ll get Andy.”

But he didn’t want Andy, he wanted Nicky, and Joe clung tighter.

“No, please, no,” he managed to gasp out, and he wasn’t sure anymore whether he was begging for there to be no more pain or for Nicky to stay, and distantly Joe realized that this was probably the point his husband was trying to make. But the very thought of Nicky leaving him here, when his arms had been a safe haven for nine hundred years, was so terrifying to Joe that he thought it would break him. 

“Ok. Alright. I’m right here, Yusuf, I’m here.” Nicky leaned back into his embrace, his arms again wrapping around Joe, his hand stroking through his curls in that way he knew Joe loved, so different from the violent touches from earlier. Joe let himself melt. Nicky was murmuring to him, a mixture of languages that Joe didn’t even try to follow. He let himself be lulled by the words as his breathing calmed and the panic receded. 

“Hush, Joe, it’s ok. I won’t leave, I’m not going anywhere. Yusuf, my Yusuf, I’ve got you, I promise. I’m right here. You don’t have to talk. Just go to sleep, love, I’ll stay here, I’ll keep watch, I’ve got you.”

___

Andy had known this would be bad. It was too soon after Merrick, and Nile was too new to the team. No one was ready for this. But she had weighed the thirty-seven lives they could save, weighed Nicky’s determination to do the right thing, Joe’s passion and resilience, Nile’s idealism and naivete and hope that they could make a difference, and she had made the call.

_ I need 5 hours. Drag it out. _

When she had finally opened the last door that separated her from her family and taken in the room, Andy had wondered if she’d made a mistake. 

Nile was chained to a pipe, her face tear-stained and her eyes wide with horror. She looked like she had just watched her entire world fall apart.

Nicky stood in the middle of the room, shooting efficiently with a sniper’s focus and precision, but his face was terrible. It had been centuries since she’d seen such devastation there, his expression shattered as he finally allowed himself to feel what he’d just done.

And Joe. Joe was slumped in a chair in the middle of the room, Nicky using his own body to shield him from the shootout, but Joe didn’t seem like he was in any position to notice the danger, which concerned Andy more than anything. He was shaking, covered in fresh blood, and it looked like he’d been drenched in water at some point because his curls were still damp. She could see the battery hooked up to his chest, see how with every sob, every movement of his convulsing body, his breath hitched in pain. He hadn’t lifted his head, and his chin rested against his chest as his body sagged against the cuffs that held him to the chair. 

After the last trafficker fell and Nicky had collapsed, sobbing and vomiting, to the concrete floor, Andy had made her way quickly over to Joe. She’d pushed away her doubt and her regrets; now was not the time for them. It was done, lives had been saved, and now she had to pull her family back together from whatever the hell had happened in this room. 

___

It was more or less as she had expected, and a distant, jaded part of herself hated that. Nicky and Joe would be fine with time, but they were both traumatized and in shock. But their need to help each other would pull them forward through their own healing. It was Nile who Andy was most concerned about. Nile had never before seen the coldness and ruthlessness that any of them were capable of, and Andy knew that it was particularly jarring to see that between Nicky and Joe, who were so in love that it sometimes hurt her heart to even look at them.

And yet it was so incredibly important that Nile got through this. Andy was particularly conscious of her own mortality in moments like these. Someday, someday soon, it would just be Nile and Nicky and Joe, until Booker’s one hundred years were up, and the three of them had to be a team, a unit. It was her job to get them there, before it was too late.

Once Nile had finished her tea, Andy had guided her to the couch, hoping that the younger woman would be able to get some rest. Nile had laid down when Andy prompted her, but now she was just staring at the ceiling, eyes wide and no doubt seeing something else entirely. 

A scream from upstairs jerked them both out of their reveries. It was Joe, Andy knew instantly. She’d know that scream anywhere, had known it for centuries. But she stayed put, forcing herself to relax back into her armchair. Nicky could handle this. It was important that Nicky handle this, that the two of them reaffirm their love and trust in each other. 

But Nile was off the couch in an instant and halfway to the stairs before Andy called her name. 

“Nile.”

Nile turned to look at her, eyes incredulous. “We can’t just leave him alone!” 

“Sit down, Nile. He’s not alone. Nicky’s up there.”

“Andy, I --” Nile looked torn. “Andy, I can’t… I don’t…” She took a deep breath, then said in a rush, body tensed as though waiting for a rebuke, “Andy, I don’t trust Nicky. I don’t know if he should be alone with Joe right now. He was  _ so good  _ at hurting Joe.”

“Sit down, Nile,” Andy said again, putting a note of command in her voice. Nile, as Andy had known she would, snapped to attention at the tone, following the order before she had a chance to second guess herself. 

Nile sat on the couch, but her body was still tense, her feet planted on the floor as though she was ready to run towards the stairs at the slightest sound. There was a thud from upstairs, and Nile  _ did _ jump, but Andy held her gaze, steadying her, pinning her in place. Nile settled, but she looked torn. 

Andy sighed. 

“Nile, listen. It’s ok for you not to trust Nicky right now. What you saw today was a shock, I get that. But  _ I  _ trust Nicky, and I need you to trust me.”

Slowly, Nile nodded.

“Good. Now, I know you heard what I said in the car. Nicky and Joe have been through things like this before. We all have. They know how to get through this. It’s not easy, but they’ve done it before and they’ll do it again. We just have to let them.”

“But how can Joe ever trust Nicky after something like that?”

Andy made a considering sound. “It probably wasn’t the breach of trust you’re imagining. But you should ask Joe about it, when he’s ready to talk.”

“Will he want to talk to me? I don’t want to push.”

“They’ll want you to understand, Nile. You’re a part of this family now, and it’s important that you feel that way. They’ll answer your questions. They  _ both  _ will.”

“I don’t know if I want Nicky to answer my questions.”

“You can’t avoid him forever.”

Andy saw Nile take in the weight of  _ forever _ in the context of their lives and sigh. “Yeah. I get that.”

“Good. It’s okay to need time, Nile, but Nicky and Joe aren’t the only ones who need to heal from this.”

Slowly, Nile nodded.

___

The next time Joe woke, there was sunlight streaming in through the windows and he felt much better. He knew immediately where he was, safe and warm next to his husband, and it took a moment for him to remember why that should surprise him.

Then the memories rushed back, and Joe’s heart sped up, leaving him paralyzed as the desire to flee fought with the bone-deep normalcy of waking up loved and protected in Nicky’s arms. 

Joe’s breath was coming in quick, shallow gasps, and he clenched his hands into fists, trying to focus on breathing.  _ Nicky _ . He wished Nicky would wake up, would hold him and comfort him and tell him that everything would be ok. But Nicky was still asleep, twitching and making little sounds -- whimpering, Joe realized. A nightmare. 

_ Nickynickywakeup. _

Joe didn’t know how to say it. The words wouldn’t come, there was only stone and sand, and his breathing sped up again as a wounded sound escaped his throat. Pain flashed through his mind, and his body jerked with the memory. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to forget the feeling of the metal cuffs biting into his skin, the cold hard chair below him, the scratch of the tape holding the wires on his chest, and the constant sting of the ever-healing burns. 

Then Joe realized in horror that he’d never showered, he was still covered in blood. Some of the dried blood had flaked off his shoulder to collect on the bed, and Joe needed to be clean  _ right now. _

He jerked upwards. Nicky was crying in his sleep now, still whimpering, but Joe couldn’t, he  _ couldn’t _ , he didn’t know what to do, he needed to get away. Joe scrambled off the bed, too panicked to be careful. He kneed Nicky in the stomach in his hurry, and immediately Nicky jerked awake, choking on a scream that sounded like Joe’s name. 

But Joe couldn’t stop, he needed to be clean, he needed this blood off of him, blood that Nicky had spilled. He needed this to be over. 

He was at the bedroom door before Nicky managed to call out to him. 

“Yusuf, wait --” 

He couldn’t wait, kept running towards the bathroom, mind spiraling into panic and  _ Nickynicolonicolonicky. _

As he slammed the bathroom door behind him, Joe heard the sound of Nicky’s sobs drifting down the hallway and felt like vomiting.

___

The shower helped. Joe scrubbed his skin until it was raw, then watched it heal until he was again unmarked. The water ran brown as the dried blood flaked off his skin and his beard, and then it ran clear, sweeping away his tears. 

He stayed until the water grew cold, and then hurriedly turned the shower off before the feeling of the water could bring him back to that room, to the splash and then the shivering and then Nicky’s cold voice and then pain so overwhelming he’d lost consciousness. 

Joe wrapped himself in a towel, and focused on breathing. 

When he was breathing normally again, he brushed his teeth, finally ridding himself of the taste of blood and tears. 

More deep breaths. 

His clean clothes were all in the bedroom. He could ask Andy or Nile to get them, of course, but he didn’t actually want that. He needed to see Nicky. 

Deep breaths.

Joe walked slowly down the hallway, focusing on the feeling of his bare feet against the wood floor: the texture of the boards, the occasional scrape of a protruding nail.  _ I’m here, _ he reminded himself.

There was a slight ridge in the floor where the hall met the bedroom. He felt it under his toes. Deep breath. His hand reached out to grab the doorframe, bracing himself. Wood on skin.  _ I am here. I am grounded. _

In the bedroom, Nicky was curled up on Joe’s side of the bed in a tight ball. His back was to the door, and Joe could see him shaking, could hear his ragged breathing and choked off sobs. 

Deep breath. Wood on skin. 

In his mind, Joe was still holding his scimitar. He set it down carefully.  _ Wood on skin. It’s over.  _ Slowly, deliberately, he pushed away sand and stone. He looked down at what he had uncovered. He took a deep breath.

“Nicolo.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, in addition to my regular notes and given the fact that much of the violence in this fic is between Nicky and Joe, I just want to make it abundantly clear that, in any other context, I don’t think the “comfort” parts of this fic between them would constitute a healthy reaction to the situation. I think that the levels of codependence and clinginess that I have them both show here would be concerning in real life. (Disclaimer: I’m not an expert, that's just my instinctual reaction.) 
> 
> Hell, it may not be particularly healthy for Joe and Nicky either. That being said, Joe and Nicky don’t have a normal relationship, and here I’m trying to show what I think they would do rather than what they should do. 
> 
> I mean, their relationship shouldn’t be healthy in the first place, but I think it somehow manages to be? But seriously, can you imagine them explaining this to a therapist: "We killed each other a bunch of times in the famously barbaric first crusade." "Okay, that sounds like an absolutely terrible basis for a relationship. Go on." "Then we spent nine hundred years building a marriage based on mutual trust and deliberate communication." "Okay, actually that sounds pretty good." "Also, we work together." "Impressive that you’re able to do that." "Our work is murder. We still use the swords we killed each other with." "That’s… not great." "Also sometimes we have to torture each other for work." "That’s… very not great." "But then afterwards we talk about it. Open communication is key." "I mean, yes, but..."
> 
> So essentially what I’m saying is that Nicky and Joe might get a pass on what counts as a healthy relationship. But I want to be absolutely, explicitly clear that I don’t think this would be a healthy reaction to spouse-on-spouse violence in any other context.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for all of your comments!! They bring me so much joy and inspiration.
> 
> So, hopefully I’ve done these scenes justice. I’m not entirely happy with this chapter, but here we are. I hate writing dialogue, but I feel like I always write myself into these situations where everyone just needs to sit down and *talk*. Which is great, communication is super important, but then I have to write the communication? Horrible. 
> 
> Also, you may notice that the total number of chapters on this fic is now up to six. Uh… yeah. Remember when this was only supposed to be three chapters? Whoops.
> 
> Quick reminder to pay attention to the tags/warnings, although if you're on chapter 4, I imagine you know what you're getting into.

_ They were on the battlefields outside of Jerusalem, and Nicolo loomed over Joe,  _ his Joe _ , and felt nothing. Joe’s t-shirt had been cut open, and the corresponding gash on his chest was sluggishly leaking blood. It hadn’t healed. Nicolo couldn’t remember why that seemed odd.  _

_ Joe was unarmed, looking up at him with tears in his eyes as Nicolo stood over him. The sun on his armor made him feel like he was cooking alive, like he was in hell. _

_ “No more, please, no more,” Joe begged.  _

_ Nicolo smiled and plunged his longsword down into Joe’s shoulder. Joe’s body convulsed around the wound, but Nicolo held him still, pinned to the bloody ground. He noted with interest the way his blade moved through the muscle of Joe’s shoulder, and he felt the moment the metal first brushed against bone. The sword scraped its way past the resistance as Joe screamed louder and louder until he ran out of air and was reduced to choking, gasping sobs.  _

_ “Nicky, please, Nicky, stop.” Joe’s struggles were getting weaker, and Nicolo could see his eyes glazing over in pain. He would lose consciousness soon from the shock, and Nicolo didn’t want that.  _

_ He twisted the blade, and Joe’s gaze focused on him again as he screamed once more.  _

_ “Who do you work for?” Nicolo asked.  _

_ “Nicky, I love you, please.” _

_ Nicolo withdrew his blade, and Joe’s whole body jerked, then kept jerking, twitching with muscle spasms that Nicolo had never seen before from a stab wound. But Joe’s face was twisted with pain and fear and that was as it should be, so Nicolo was unconcerned.  _

_ This was a good look for Joe, Nicolo thought distantly. Sprawled at his feet, covered in blood and begging for mercy that would never come.  _

_ “Nicky, please.” _

_ Nicolo raised his blade and plunged it towards Joe’s heart. The blade struck home, and Nicolo felt a jolt of pain in his stomach. _

___

Nicky woke screaming, because Joe wasn’t healing, he’d killed him, he’d killed him, Joe, Yusuf, no,  _ please _ .

A flash of movement by the door, and Nicky’s eyes finally focused. _ Joe. _

“Yusuf, wait --”  _ Don’t leave, I need to hold you, feel your heart beating, please. _

But he was gone. Nicky was at a loss for a moment, trying to remember what was happening, trying to think of why Joe would be running from --  _ Oh. _

The memories hit him like a train, crushing him beneath their weight. He’d tortured Joe yesterday. While Joe had screamed and cried and begged, he’d electrocuted him, stabbed him, twisted his knife just like dream-Nicolo had twisted his sword.

Distantly, Nicky realized that he was sobbing, that he’d curled himself up in a ball on Joe’s side of the bed. This must be the bed Joe had been sleeping in without him for the last three months, and the scent of Joe was overpowering -- comforting, beloved, and so, so normal. Nicky shouldn’t be here, just like none of this should ever have happened. He should leave, give Joe some space, but he couldn’t make himself move. 

He remembered each and every one of Joe’s screams yesterday. They had been the screams of someone overwhelmed with pain, someone so far beyond rational thought that there was only instinct. But Joe had said electricity, all those years ago, and surely Nicky couldn’t have, shouldn’t have, ignored that preference, that single speck of control Joe had over the situation? 

Safety was more important than pain. Joe had said that, and honestly Nicky’s options had been limited. There were no good ways to conceal how quickly their bruises, broken bones, or gunshot wounds healed. He wouldn’t have been able to hide the healing of Joe’s stab wound yesterday, either, would have had to keep twisting the knife inside until Andy busted through the door, even if that had taken the full four minutes, even if it had taken longer. Waterboarding? The very thought was intolerable, as it had been for the last five hundred years. That would have been worse than electricity, so much worse, and Nicky was genuinely unsure he would have been able to do that to Joe, no matter how many lives it would have allowed Andy to save. 

_ I need 5 hours. Drag it out. _

And he had, hadn’t he? He’d kept Joe conscious and  _ interesting _ , screaming and begging and so close to breaking that no one had even suggested they move on to Nile, everyone waiting with bated breath to see if  _ this time _ Joe would answer. 

Nicky curled tighter in on himself, whimpering between sobs as he tried to push away the memories. Joe’s screams echoed in his mind along with the crackle of electricity and the scrape of metal on metal as he yanked on his cuffs in a futile effort to get away.  _ No more, please, please, stop. _ And Nicky had flicked the switch, dozens of times -- hundreds? Nicky didn’t want to know, didn’t want to think about how many times he had been confronted with the choice to stop or keep going and how many times -- every single time -- he had chosen to keep going, chosen to keep hurting his husband.

“Nicolo.”

Nicky jerked up and around at the sound of that voice, at the sound of his name from Joe’s lips, a sound he hadn’t heard in three months. 

“ _ Joe _ .”

His husband was standing, propped against the wooden doorframe, watching him. He looked exhausted, wrung out, and he was easily the most beautiful thing Nicky had ever seen. 

“ _ Nicky _ ,” Joe whispered, as though he was cherishing the name. “Nicky. Nicolo. Nicky. Nicky. _ ” _

Nicky sniffed, drawing his legs up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them, trying to control the hiccupping sobs that were still shaking his body. He wanted to throw himself at Joe, to hold and be held by the love of his life. But he would wait for Joe to make the first move. Joe walked slowly to the dresser, opening the drawer and grabbing a t-shirt and sweatpants that were unmistakably Nicky’s -- Nile would tell him that it was the lack of style that gave them away -- before pulling them on. 

Then Joe walked over to the bed, tilting his head to indicate that Nicky should move to the side so that he could join him. He mirrored his position until they were both sitting side by side against the headboard, with Nicky sandwiched between Joe and the wall. 

Nicky’s sobs had subsided, although the occasional tear still rolled down his cheeks.

“Hi,” Joe said after a moment.

“Hi, Joe.” Nicky found himself smiling, just a little.

“Time to talk?”

Nicky nodded slightly, sniffing. “Yeah.”

___

They’d been talking for hours. At some point, Joe had reached for his husband’s hand, and Nicky had given it willingly, allowing him to take the lead on physical contact. 

Joe hadn’t been able to start. He’d opened his mouth, but no sound had come out, and for a moment, he’d panicked, thinking that it was happening again, that he wouldn’t be able to talk to Nicky about this after all. 

But Nicky had taken one look at his face and said “Would you like me to go first?” and all the tension had left Joe in an instant as he’d nodded, then said “Thanks, Nicky,” just to prove to himself that he still could.

So Nicky had told him everything, from the moment he’d found out that Joe and Nile had been captured to the moment Joe had walked into the bedroom and said his name. It was… a lot, and they were both crying by the end. But, strangely, Joe felt better afterwards, more grounded.

They sat in silence for a few moments after that, until Nicky whispered, “Nile doesn’t trust me anymore. She didn’t want to leave me alone with you.”

Joe winced. “Shit.”

Nicky gave what could have been a laugh, but sounded more like a sob. 

“I really am so, so sorry, Joe.”

Joe turned his head until they were making eye contact. 

“I forgive you, Nicolo,” he said seriously. “You are completely and utterly forgiven, my love.”

“Thank you,” Nicky said quietly. Then he glanced towards Joe’s shoulder. “Uh, can I....?”

Joe knew what he meant, and froze, unsure. 

Nicky immediately backtracked. “Nevermind, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”

Joe shook his head. “No, wait, Nicolo. I want you to, I want to try it, okay? Just… go slow?”

Nicky looked at him seriously for a moment, searching his face, then nodded. He slowly tilted his head towards Joe’s shoulder, clearly telegraphing his movements. Joe couldn’t help the way his breathing began to speed up, and Nicky froze. 

“No, keep going.” Nicky did, slowly. Joe stiffened slightly when Nicky’s head made contact with his shoulder, the same shoulder into which Nicky had twisted a knife yesterday, but he took deep breaths, giving himself time to relax into it. It was fine. Everything was okay, and this contact was something he wanted -- needed -- just as much as Nicolo did.  _ It’s over. _ Joe dropped his head to the side to rest on Nicky’s, and Nicky relaxed, wiggling slightly to nuzzle his head closer against Joe’s neck. Joe didn’t have to look down to know he was smiling. Joe smiled too, and closed his eyes as he breathed in the scent of his husband’s hair.  _ Home. Safe. _

They sat like that for a few minutes, basking in each other’s presence, before Joe lifted his head and spoke. 

“Can I tell you about it now?” he asked.

On his shoulder, Nicky’s breathing was carefully, deliberately even. “Yeah. You can tell me. Do you want me to move?”

Joe smiled. “No, I like you where you are.”

“Okay,” Nicky said, nuzzling Joe’s neck again before stilling, obviously waiting for Joe to speak. 

“It was, uh, a lot,” Joe said after a moment. 

Nicky waited. 

“I mean, I trusted you, obviously. And I guessed what you would have to do, what Andy would ask you to do. So I wasn’t surprised. And I appreciated that you used electricity. Although we may have to rethink that, for next time. I… really hated it.”

“Perhaps next time you could electrocute me?” Nicky offered. 

Joe gave a short, slightly hysterical laugh. “No, thank you.”

“Okay,” said Nicky, accepting Joe’s original point. “We’ll think of something else, later.”

“Yeah.” Joe paused, took a deep breath. Nicky squeezed the hand he was still holding, grounding him, and Joe squeezed back. The silence stretched. 

Finally, Joe whispered, “I just wanted you to help me.” 

Nicky made a quiet, wounded sound, but didn’t say anything, giving Joe the space to continue. 

“I knew that you should be safe. That because you were there, everything should be okay. But it wasn’t okay, and it hurt  _ so much _ , and I just remember being  _ confused _ . Sometimes, I couldn’t even remember why you were hurting me, why any of it was happening. And I couldn’t ask you, because the _ only _ thing I could remember was that I wasn’t supposed to say your name. I didn’t know why anymore. 

“I tried to find you, after Andy arrived. I couldn’t see you, I think my eyes must have been closed...” 

“They were open,” Nicky said quietly. “But they were empty. You weren’t there.”

“Huh.” Joe took a moment to process this. “I couldn’t see anything. I knew the hands -- your hands, Andy’s hands, Nile’s hands. But that was all. I couldn’t see, and I wanted to ask for you, but I couldn’t do it.  _ I couldn’t say your name. _ ”

Joe’s breath hitched, and Nicky squeezed his hand again. 

“ _ Nicolo _ ,” Joe whispered. “ _ Nicky.  _ I couldn’t say it, and I’m not sure I’ve ever been so scared. I kept trying to say your name, once it was all over, but I couldn’t do it. I was  _ terrified _ , and I couldn’t even tell you.”

“Oh,  _ Joe _ .” Nicky’s voice was soft, barely more than a breath, but aching with tenderness.

“Nicky, I thought I was broken. I thought I was  _ gone. _ There was so much pain, and every time you asked a question I just thought  _ I can’t do this _ , but then it  _ kept happening _ . And afterwards, I wondered if it had been too much. If maybe I was lost forever, unmoored in my mind.”

_ “Never.”  _ Nicky’s voice was fervent. “I will  _ always _ find you, no matter where you are lost. Even if it’s within yourself.”  _ Even if I’m the one who put you there.  _ He didn’t say it, but they both heard it all the same.

Joe sobbed once before burying his face in Nicky’s hair and bringing his arms up to pull his husband close. Tentatively, ready to pull back at the slightest indication that he should, Nicky hugged Joe back.

___

Nile didn’t see Joe or Nicky for nearly twenty-four hours. She could hear them moving around upstairs, could sometimes hear the murmur of voices or faint sobbing. But they didn’t come down. Nile wasn’t sure if they weren’t eating anything, or if Andy had been sneaking them food while Nile napped, exhausted from the previous day’s events. She hoped the latter, otherwise they must be starving, but she was afraid to ask, afraid that Andy would suggest that Nile bring them something, and Nile… wasn’t ready. It was as though, by going upstairs, she would have to confront their pain, and her own. So Nile stayed put, and waited for them to emerge.

Joe came downstairs first, and Nile felt almost faint with relief at seeing him up and moving. The last time she’d seen him, he’d been covered in blood and shaking with pain and nearly incoherent from trauma and shock. He looked significantly better now, clean and dressed in Nicky’s clothing. He seemed exhausted, and his eyes were a bit too wide, his movements slightly too jerky, but it was an improvement. 

When she saw him, Andy got up from the armchair and moved towards him, eyebrows raised in question. Joe smiled at her, a small, tired smile, but still a smile, and moved towards her, engulfing her in a hug. Andy wrapped her arms around him as well, and Joe tucked his face against Andy’s neck. Nile had to blink back tears as Andy pressed a kiss into Joe’s curls. 

“Hey, Joe,” she said quietly. 

“Hey. Thanks for the rescue yesterday.”

“Always. Sorry for the wait.”

“Worth it,” Joe said, and it seemed somehow as though Andy sagged in relief for a moment, even though Nile couldn’t pinpoint any particular movement from the other woman. “You got everyone out?”

“Yes,” Andy replied. “Thirty-seven people. Copley’s taking care of the follow-up.”

“Good,” Joe said, and seemed to burrow deeper into Andy’s neck as she held him. 

They stood there for a few minutes and Nile did her best to give them some privacy, but she was having trouble taking her eyes off of Joe. He must have sensed her gaze, because eventually he pulled back and turned to her, arms outstretched. 

She threw herself towards him without thinking, but then froze halfway across the room when she saw his flinch. 

“Sorry,” she gasped, eyes wide with horror. 

He smiled at her, but it was slightly pained. “That’s okay. It happens. Come on.” He beckoned her forward again, and she went slowly, telegraphing her movements. When she got closer, he took the final step and enfolded her in a hug. She relaxed into his arms, body sagging in relief. 

“I’m alright, little sister,” he murmured, and Nile had to bite back a sob. She had no idea how to respond, so she just clung to him, arms wrapped around his body. Joe hugged her back just as tightly. “I’m okay,” he whispered. Nile nodded into his shoulder. 

They stayed like that for a few more moments until Andy said “Nicky,” and Nile tensed. Joe released her, allowing her to step back, but she noticed the way he was looking at her with a slight frown. 

Still, she couldn’t take her eyes off of Nicky. He was at the bottom of the stairs, walking towards Andy. He didn’t look at Nile, but she knew he sensed her gaze. 

“Hey, Nicky,” Andy said, moving towards him with a smile. He allowed her to wrap him in her embrace, tucking his head into her shoulder just as Joe had done. Andy pulled back for just a moment to put her hands on either side of his face. She looked into his eyes for a few seconds before gently kissing his forehead and pulling him back into her arms. 

After a couple minutes, Nicky murmured something too quiet for Nile to hear, and Andy answered just as quietly before stepping back and releasing him. 

Nile, who had been watching the exchange, felt her eyes snap down to the floor as soon as Nicky turned towards her. She knew she was being unfair and she hated herself for it. She  _ did _ trust Andy, and Joe, and they both obviously trusted Nicky still. Deep down, Nile was pretty certain that she also trusted Nicky, even now. But every time she looked at him, she saw his cold eyes and cruel smile and heard Joe’s screams and pleas. Her heart rate sped up, and Nile clenched her jaw to bite back a whimper. 

“Hi, Nile,” Nicky said. 

“Hi,” she managed to get out, but her voice sounded odd and she still couldn’t look up from the floor. 

“Thank you for making dinner.”

Nile nodded, unable to do anything else. She was trembling slightly, less from any feelings about Nicky and more from anger with herself, anger at her own unreasonableness and inability to handle this well. 

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Nicky turn away and Joe flash him a sad, sympathetic smile. Nicky gave the slightest of shrugs, and then the two of them moved to sit down at the kitchen table. 

They seemed alright with each other, Nile noted distantly. The way they moved in each other’s space was almost normal, except that, where the distance between them usually seemed incidental, increasing and decreasing arbitrarily with each movement, now it was deliberate, obviously consciously maintained and consciously breached. 

Andy joined Nile at the counter, briefly resting a hand on her shoulder and giving it a squeeze, before grabbing bowls and helping Nile serve up the pasta. 

Dinner was very nearly a normal affair, if quiet, until Nicky automatically went to pass the salt to Joe. Joe, who hadn’t been paying attention, jerked back at the movement, so violently that he almost tipped over his chair. Everyone froze, except for Joe, whose eyes were wide and panicked, breath coming in rapid gasps. A small whimper escaped him before he pursed his lips together as though to hold back a scream. 

Nicky’s eyes had gone wide and his face was completely blank. He didn’t move at all, arm still partially outstretched, holding the salt, but Nile was left with the uncomfortable sensation that, from one moment to the next, Nicky had somehow shrunk, folded in on himself without actually moving. 

Nile looked at Andy, wondering what to do, but Andy shook her head slightly, indicating that they should wait. 

Slowly, Joe’s breathing evened out. He closed his eyes, and reached his hands to grip the wood of the tabletop, so hard that Nile worried he might hurt himself.

“Wood on skin,” he whispered, so quietly that Nile wondered if she’d misheard. “Wood on skin.”

After a few moments, Joe opened his eyes. He was still tense, but his breathing seemed better. Slowly, carefully, he released his grip on the table with his right hand, then reached out, his left hand still gripping the wood like a lifeline. Nicky hadn’t moved, the salt held steady in midair, but his eyes were focused on Joe now. Joe looked at him, and Nile saw the exact moment their gazes met and the rest of the world faded away. Joe’s breathing was even, rhythmic and controlled, as he held Nicky’s eyes and slowly, deliberately reached forward to take the salt. Nicky released it as soon as Joe had it in his hand, and Joe drew back. 

The moment Joe set the shaker down next to him, Nicky shuddered, dropping his hand as though he’d been burned. He buried his head in his hands, and Nile heard a muffled whimper before he seemed to consciously unfold his body, lifting his head to make eye contact with Joe.

“Thank you, love,” Joe said, and Nile knew that he wasn’t talking about the salt. 

Nicky took a deep breath and nodded at his husband. Andy resumed eating, and the tension at the table was broken.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea how this story became just as much about Nile as about Joe and Nicky, but thanks for sticking with me even though this is… not exactly what was promised. Also, why do I keep getting characters into situations where they have to have long, drawn-out conversations? Which is kinda exactly what this chapter is, so… sorry in advance? But it needed to happen, it’s happened, time for me to move on with my life, and go ahead to working on the next chapter in which [checks notes] more people need to talk. Right.

Nile watched Joe and Nicky a lot over the next few days. They were spending more and more time downstairs, although too often one of them would get tense and quiet, and a moment later they would both slip silently out of the room and disappear for the rest of the day.  But they seemed okay, overall, like they were getting better, both of them, a little bit every day. 

Nile herself felt stuck. Every night, she dreamed of drowning, and then when she woke up, staring at the ceiling from her temporary bed on the couch, Joe’s screams seemed to blend with Quynh’s in her mind. Every time she saw him and Nicky together, she remembered how Joe had flinched away from Nicky, first in that chair and then at the dinner table. She remembered Joe’s voice as he had begged for the pain to stop, and Nicky’s calm, cold response, “Then tell me who you work for.” As if it had been as simple as that. 

“You’re going to have to talk to them,” Andy told her on the third day, patience obviously wearing thin. 

“I  _ can’t _ , Andy.” Nile didn’t know why it was so hard, she just knew that everything felt wrong now, seeing Joe and Nicky together felt  _ wrong _ , and that shouldn’t be a thing that ever happened. 

“Talk to Joe first,” Andy advised.

It was easier said than done. Joe and Nicky seemed hyper-aware of each other, always carefully together and yet carefully apart. They were almost never in different rooms for more than a moment, but when they were in the same room, they rarely touched, and when they did, it seemed controlled, choreographed.

Nile thought about trying to talk to Joe while Nicky was in the room, going so far as to open her mouth a couple of times to start the conversation, before closing it again without speaking. What she needed to ask Joe was not something she could ask in front of Nicky, and she  _ hated _ that. 

Nile hated how, when she looked at Nicky, she saw a different person. She remembered how his eyes had swept over her and Joe when he’d first walked into that room, his expression cruelly amused, his gaze cold and assessing. She had been on the receiving end of lesser versions of that look before, and she had never,  _ ever _ expected Nicky to look at her that way. It was the kind of look that, in her old life, would have had her speed-walking to the most crowded area she could find. Even that first, strange night in Goussainville she had never felt anything but safe with Nicky. 

Now, it was like that trust had shattered, and no matter how hard she tried to pick up the pieces, she could never find them all and couldn’t get the ones she had to fit back together. It  _ terrified _ her, that she might have lost something permanently that day, that she might never get back the easy trust and love she had had with Nicky before all of this happened. It terrified her that she wasn’t sure if she wanted that easy trust back. Would it be a mistake, to trust him again? She was scared to find out.

So what it came down to was that she needed to talk to Joe, and she couldn’t do it with Nicky around, and she was reasonably certain everyone knew it. So when Nile came into the kitchen one day and found Joe alone at the table, sketching, with Nicky and Andy nowhere in sight, she easily recognized it for the set-up it was.

“Where are Andy and Nicky?” she asked anyway. 

Joe glanced up. “Grocery run. They might be a while.” He set down his sketchbook. “How are you, Nile?”

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” she countered. 

Joe shrugged. He looked better, Nile noted. Still too tense, still exhausted, and every night she and Andy were woken at least once by the sounds of nightmares from upstairs. Sometimes Joe’s eyes got a glazed look in them, as though he was lost, and at those times she knew he wasn’t seeing anything she could see. But still, he seemed better. 

“You can ask me next,” he promised, then looked at her expectantly. 

Nile sighed, crossed her arms. Opened her mouth, then closed it again. Her lower lip trembled, and she angrily blinked back tears. She didn’t know if she was ready to have this conversation, but it seemed that it was happening anyways. 

“I'm... not great,” she finally answered. "I can't stop thinking about it."

Joe nodded, waiting.

“I was scared. Of Nicky,” she admitted. “Scared for myself, but mostly scared for you. Scared of what he would do to you.”

Joe nodded. “I get that.”

“Were you scared?” Nile asked hesitantly. 

Joe nodded. “Yes, terrified,” he answered seriously, and Nile loved him for his honesty. “Although not of Nicky, exactly. Not even at all before it started, really. But pain is always terrifying, particularly when it’s happening.”

Nile nodded, and Joe waited, giving her space to think. 

After a moment, she spoke. “I was _really_ scared, Joe.” Her voice was almost a whisper, and Nile didn’t know when that had happened. “I was really, properly scared. I still am, and I don’t know how to get it to stop.”

Joe nodded and stood up, and Nile blinked at him, confused. 

“Sit,” he told her gently. “I’ll make tea.” 

Nile sat, and a few minutes later a cup of tea appeared in front of her. She inhaled. Mint tea.  _ Nicky. _

“Talk to me,” Joe said, after he’d sat down again. “Whatever’s on your mind.”

Nile stared at him, searching, and he stared back. His face was open, and she could see the exhaustion there, the memory of pain evident in the way he held himself, the way his jaw muscles were slightly too tense and his eyes slightly too haunted. But he met her gaze steadily, open and ready to talk, just like Andy had said he would be. Nile nodded to herself, and Joe gave her a small smile, as though he understood. He probably did. 

Well, she might as well cut to the chase. “Andy said you wouldn’t see what Nicky did as a breach of trust, but I don’t understand how?”

“Ah.” Joe leaned back in his chair, cradling his own cup of tea. “Well, it genuinely wasn’t a breach of trust. It was something we’d talked about, planned, even, in a general sense.” Joe paused, considering her. After a moment, he continued, “Do you know why Nicky chose electricity?”

Nile shook her head. 

“It’s because I told him to, years ago. And he remembered that conversation, and followed through because he knew that having even the smallest bit of agency would help me.”

“It… seemed like it really hurt.” It was a stupid thing to say, Nile knew, but she wasn’t sure how else to respond. She needed time to think about what Joe had said, but now that they were talking, Nile found that she didn’t really want to stop.

“It did,” Joe said, and he swallowed hard. “It really, really did.”

“But you never broke.” Nile pointed out. “You never answered Nicky’s question.”

“Mmmm.” Joe seemed to consider this. “I was pretty far gone, though. I probably would have answered, if he’d asked something else. Which is, of course, why he never did.” Joe smiled, but there was no amusement in it.

Nile blinked. “I don’t get it.”

“ _ Who are you working for?”  _ Joe repeated, and they both shuddered slightly at the words. “Nicky knows me. He knows me inside and out, and he knows that, if someone’s asking me questions, I have a much easier time ignoring them if they are simply asking the  _ wrong questions. _ No one hired us. We picked the job ourselves. The question Nicky was asking, the one the traffickers thought needed to be asked, didn’t have an answer. Honestly, the question itself hardly registered with me at all. I was mostly thinking about not giving Nicky away.”

“You said, afterwards, that you couldn’t say his name,” Nile recalled, and Joe winced. 

“Yeah. That had never happened before, and it scared me, more than anything else. The other times we’ve had to hurt each other for jobs... Well, I’ve never felt so dissociated before, never had that much trouble coming back from a headspace in which I couldn't rely on Nicky's help or comfort.”

“In the car, on the way to the safehouse, while you were…” she trailed off, unsure how to politely say  _ unconscious with pain.  _ “Asleep,” she settled on, and Joe looked amused. “Andy said something to Nicky about France.”

Joe’s face tightened. “Ah.”

“Could you… would you mind…” Nile trailed off, unable to articulate what she wanted to say. Joe waited, not rushing or judging. Just waiting. 

Nile took a deep breath.

“Ok, so it’s just that I don’t know how to say this without it sounding awful.”

“Just ask, Nile. It’s alright.”

Nile pursed her lips. “I think… Oh god, this sounds bad. But… I think I need to know that you’ve hurt him too. That this isn’t some weird thing where Nicky hurt you during the crusades and then, like, just  _ kept _ hurting you.”

“I am not his victim, Nile.” Joe’s voice was calm but laced with steel.

“No, I know, I get that, I just….” Joe raised his eyebrows, challenging. “I mean, I  _ know _ that, I do, I see that every day in the ways you two interact.” Another deep breath. “But also maybe now I’m scared. A week ago, I would have said with absolute certainty that Nicky could never hurt you, at least not  _ now _ , not since the two of you became soulmates or whatever.” Joe huffed a laugh, and Nile pushed on, feeling a little bit more confident. “And maybe now I’m scared that, if I was wrong about that, maybe there are other things I’m wrong about too?” 

Joe nodded slowly, considering this. 

“Alright. But Nile, our relationship has  _ never _ been like that, not even during the crusades, and it’s incredibly important that you understand that. And in terms of hurting each other by necessity, up until this, I was definitely the one who had caused the most damage, that time in France.”

Nile considered that, allowing the information to slot itself into place in her understanding of them. “Ok... And this was worse?”

Joe hummed in thought. “This was… different. In terms of levels of pain, or even length of time it went on, this wasn’t nearly as bad. And our relationship, our trust in each other, is more established now than it was then. So that helps, but it also hurts, because it’s become more and more difficult to physically hurt each other over the years, even in little ways. We rely so heavily on each other now, are so used to being on the same side of things, and we are very dependent on each other both to get through pain while it’s happening and to recover afterwards. The dissociation that both Nicky and I felt the other day has only gotten worse with time, and it’s definitely the hardest part.” Joe paused, considering. “But I’ll tell you about France. It will be good for you to know the story, I think.”

He took a deep breath, obviously trying to ground himself. Nile waited, letting him.

“It was a long time ago, in the mid-fourteenth century, only about two centuries after Nicky and I became a couple, and it was the first time anything like this had happened. It was… bad. I won’t get too much into the politics, but it was during some very justified peasant uprisings. Nicky was working for the local lord -- a particularly vicious man -- trying to warn the rest of us of his plans while subtly encouraging reforms. Andromache, Quynh, and I were spread out a bit, helping the rebels. 

“One night, when Nicky had slipped away from the lord’s castle to pass me some information, he was spotted. He had just left our meeting place when some of the peasants recognized him and grabbed him. If I had tried to intervene outright, I would have been considered a traitor and captured as well, and the only thing I could think to do was to convince them to let me torture him myself. Too many medieval torture techniques would have revealed his healing immediately, and we were all terrified of the frenzy that would cause.”

And with good reason, Nile thought, thinking of Quynh. But she didn’t say it, although she was sure Joe was also thinking of his lost sister.

“I told them some lie about how he’d hurt my family personally or something, and they let me take the lead. At first I thought the rebels were interested in getting information from him, but it turns out that they didn’t care what Nicky knew. They just wanted to punish him, for working for the lord they hated. They all wanted to have a go at him.”

Joe paused, closing his eyes briefly. When he opened them again, they were bright with tears. 

“I had to, ah, get creative, until they were so  _ entertained _ ” -- he nearly spat the word -- “by watching what I could do to him, what  _ sounds _ I could force him to make, that they were willing to put off trying it themselves. I… won’t go into details, about what I did. To _ my Nicolo _ . But medieval torture was a barbaric thing. It was, uh, about six hours until the frenzy died down enough that I could stop and convince the others to take a break. I snuck back into the room where they were keeping Nicky while everyone else was eating. But, um, when he saw me…” 

Joe stopped, swallowed. A few tears slipped down his cheeks, but his voice was steady. 

“When Nicky saw me, he absolutely panicked. I have no idea if he even registered that I was someone other than his nameless torturer at that point. But as soon as he saw me, he began screaming at the top of his lungs, struggling frantically. I couldn’t get him to stop, and every time I tried to approach he would just scream louder.”

Joe cleared his throat. “The other rebels heard him screaming, and, ah… they thought I’d started again without them.”

“Oh  _ no _ .” Nile was close to tears herself now.

“Yes,” Joe said with a bitter smile. “So I had to do exactly what he’d been afraid I was there to do, and start torturing him again. It went on for another three hours before Andromache and Quynh arrived from the next town over -- they’d heard a rumor that the lord’s advisor had been captured -- and set a few houses on fire to cause a distraction so that they could get us out.

“It was weeks before Nicky could see me without panicking. Even longer before he let me touch him. If Andy and Quynh hadn’t been there, I don’t know what we would have done. We’ve had to hurt each other at other times since then, but nothing that drawn out. And our relationship is much stronger now than it was then.”

Nile nodded, understanding. 

“But Nile,” Joe continued seriously, “Even if that hadn’t happened, if I’d never been in a position where I’d needed to hurt Nicky, or if I’d tried but hadn’t been able to follow through with it where Nicky could, that wouldn’t make our relationship like what you’re imagining. An equal relationship isn’t about hurting each other equally, and you can’t build a healthy relationship on pain, regardless of how that pain is distributed.”

“Okay,” Nile nodded. “That makes sense, I think. And I believe you about you and Nicky, I do.” Joe looked at her, eyebrows raised. “I  _ do _ , really. I just… I don't know why I'm having so much trouble with this. But... could  _ you _ hurt  him like that, now? Like you did in France?” Nile didn’t know why, but she felt like she needed, desperately, to know the answer. 

Joe shrugged, frowning as he considered. “I don’t know. Possibly not. In the last few centuries, I’ve occasionally had to shoot him, or hit him, for a job. But nothing like that, not full, drawn-out torture. I don’t know if I could do it anymore, after so many years of loving him. But, Nile, that doesn’t make me a better person.”

Joe met her eyes, holding her gaze with the intensity only he was capable of. 

“Nicky is significantly better at compartmentalizing than I am. He always has been. It’s a  _ skill _ , not a character flaw. He would tell you that it’s because, deep down, he’s still the monster -- his word -- that he was during the crusades. But that’s his own guilt speaking. It’s really just that Nicky can set aside his emotions, if necessary. It’s what makes him such a good sniper.”

“And torturer,” Nile said bitterly, then immediately winced with regret. The words weren’t fair to Nicky and she knew it, even through her own pain and hurt.

Joe sighed. “Yes, and torturer. But to see him only as that is to do him a disservice.”

It was easily the tamest defense of Nicky that she had ever heard him give, and Nile was suddenly immensely grateful for Joe’s patience with her. 

She sighed. “Sorry. I know I’m… not being reasonable about this. I don’t know why I can’t let it go.”

“It's not your fault, Nile,” Joe told her gently. “I’m sorry I couldn’t give you a better warning, after we were captured. And we should have talked about this with you, before we ever sent Nicky undercover. It’s never a likelihood that something like this will happen, but it’s always a possibility, and we failed to prepare you for that. That’s on us -- Andy, Nicky, and me.”

“I don’t know how to trust him again,” Nile said plaintively. 

Joe looked at her seriously. 

“You’ll have to work at it,” he said. “First, you’ll have to choose to forgive him. Then you’ll have to choose to trust him, or choose to want to trust him. Then you’ll have to work at it. But, Nile, trust doesn’t have to come easily to be strong, or genuine. Nicky and I are proof of that. It took us a long, long time to get where we are.”

“I don’t really want to wait nine hundred years,” she pointed out.

Joe laughed. “You shouldn’t have to. You’ve got a head start, because you’ve trusted Nicky before, and now you’re just rebuilding that. Plus, you trust Andy and me, yeah?” Nile nodded. “And we trust Nicky. That should help. Also, Nicky is genuinely trustworthy, in a way he wasn’t actually when he and I first tried this. Well, neither of us were particularly trustworthy then. For the first part of our acquaintance, even after we left the battlefields of Jerusalem, we were quite literally stabbing each other in the back every chance we got. This won’t be like that.”

“Oh good,” Nile said shakily. 

Joe grinned and looked like he might say something more when they heard the front door open and there was a crash and the sound of Andy swearing. Quickly, they both stood to go help.

Nile was ahead, almost to the hall when Joe said her name. 

“Yeah?” she asked, half turning. 

“Think about what I said, about Nicky, ok?” 

“I will,” she promised, and he smiled at her gratefully. 

When they got to the front door, Nile deliberately reached out her hand towards Nicky, clearly offering to take some of the bags he was carrying. She couldn’t quite meet his gaze as he handed her them with a brief “thank you,” but for a moment she thought she saw something like hope flash across his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have mixed feelings about this chapter, again. On the one hand, I worry that the story about France distracts too much from the events of this story, which are what I really want to focus on. On the other hand, I kind of wrote myself into a position where the story about France needed to be told. Oh well.
> 
> And I know Nile says some shitty things in this chapter, but I really think her position here is both understandable and justified. She loves Nicky and Joe (yes, both of them), and she's new to this immortality thing. But she's just seen something that would be absolutely incomprehensible in a healthy relationship in the world she came from, and now she has to learn to shift those perspectives to encompass the wonderful weirdness that is Nicky and Joe. It's jarring, it's scary, and it creates some awkward conversations. She's doing her best, and she'll get through it.
> 
> Also, sorry for the lack of Joe/Nicky scenes in this chapter. I was going to add one, but Nile and Joe just had a lot of things they needed to say, and the chapter was getting ridiculously long. Next chapter, I promise!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Thank you all so much for your wonderful comments. Again, they are so inspiring and encouraging and I appreciate them more than I can say. 
> 
> Sorry for the slightly belated update -- real life happened. 
> 
> Also, this was going to be the last chapter, but then it was getting ridiculously long. So, one more after this. Just to wrap things up. Hopefully it will be posted in the next few days.

It was a few days later when Nile turned the corner into the living room, and ran straight into Nicky. He was standing frozen just inside the door, his hand on the light switch. Before she could even try to control her reaction, she had jerked away from him, hating the way her heart sped up after touching him. Nicky jerked too, pulled from his reverie by Nile’s interruption. He glanced at her, then quickly away. 

“Sorry, Nile,” he said, moving out of the doorway, clearly trying to give her enough space that she didn’t have to touch him again. He began walking towards the stairs when Nile called out. 

“Nicky, wait!” 

He stopped in his tracks, still not looking at her. 

“I, uh,” Nile cleared her throat and tried again. “Uh, could we talk? Please?” 

Nicky turned back towards her and lifted his eyes to meet hers. She’d always had trouble reading his eyes, but she was pretty sure she saw a flicker of relief. 

“Of course,” he said. They were the same words he’d said to the trafficker who’d told him to torture Joe, and it was a little thing, but it had been Nicky’s voice, both times, Nicky’s face, Nicky -- for a moment Nile was back there, and she couldn’t hold back her shudder. Nicky saw her face and must have realized what he’d said, because he gave a nearly imperceptible wince. “Sorry. Yes, we can talk.”

Nile nodded and sat down on the couch that also functioned as her bed these days. It was the same couch that she and Joe had spent the last three months tangled up together on, cuddling and jostling each other while Andy watched, amused, from the armchair on which Nicky was currently perched tentatively. 

The silence stretched, and Nile knew she’d have to break it. Nicky could out-wait her any day. She wondered if she was actually ready to have this conversation, but it seemed too late to back out now.

“Uh, were you ok just now?” she asked. 

Nicky blinked, surprised at the question. He opened his mouth, then closed it. Tried again. “Turns out I’m having trouble with light switches. Which I didn’t know until I turned this one on. You know that there was a switch, uh, when I was electrocuting Joe.” Nile flinched slightly. Nicky appeared not to notice, his eyes distant. “My body remembers that movement too well, I guess. I turned the light on in here, and then I was back there. I’m… not sure how long I was standing there until you came along.”

“Ah. That, uh, makes sense, I guess,” she replied hesitantly. 

Nicky smiled at her, but there was no real amusement in it. “Yes. We all deal with it, in one form or another, when our bodies remember something that our minds are not thinking of. It’s a part of… it’s called PTSD these days, yes?” 

Nile nodded. “Yeah. Uh, you and Joe seem to be doing better though?” she asked, unsure how to phrase it. 

Nicky smiled slightly. “We’ll be ok.”

She nodded, and took a deep breath. “Um, I talked to Joe, about France.”

Nicky nodded. “Yes, he told me.”

Nile hesitated. But Andy and Joe had both encouraged her to talk to Nicky, to ask him what she wanted to know. 

“Could you… maybe tell me about it too?”

Nicky went still for a long moment, frozen in the way he got when he was lining up a shot, and Nile wondered if she shouldn’t have asked. Then he took a deep breath, and deliberately relaxed. 

“There is… not much to tell. Joe knows more than I do. I honestly… can’t remember much. And what I do remember, I don’t have the words to describe. It is, to this day, some of the worst pain I have ever felt. I don’t think I was coherent enough to register anything but that.”

Nile nodded, and asked tentatively, “But, afterwards?”

Nicky took a deep breath. “I genuinely don’t remember very much from that time, either, actually. Only what the others have told me. Apparently, it was maybe… three weeks? Until I could stand to have Joe anywhere near me. Andromache told me later that the first time he tried to touch me, I snapped his neck. It would have been the first time I’d killed him in over two hundred years. I don’t remember it at all.”

Nicky shrugged restlessly, as though to rid himself of the memories that weren’t there, then continued.

“The other day, when I walked into that room knowing that I would have to hurt Joe, I also knew that he would forgive me, that he would understand. But we’d never even considered that something like that might happen, before France. And our relationship was still so new. Yusuf could hope that I would understand, but he couldn’t  _ know. _ And yet he acted as he had to, to save me from an even worse fate, though he genuinely feared that I would never forgive him, would no longer love him.”

“But you did forgive him,” Nile pointed out, although she was pretty sure it sounded a bit like a question.

Nicky sighed and nodded. “Yes. I think I forgave him as soon as it started, really. Before the pain got too bad, I figured out what was happening, why it was happening. It wasn’t hard to guess that Joe was trying to hide my healing with his actions. But once the pain got bad…” Nicky paused, sighed again. “Joe told me that, the other day, when I was hurting him, before the pain took over completely, he felt confused. Not hurt, or betrayed, just…  _ baffled. _ I remember that feeling, too. The absolute bewilderment at Yusuf being the one to cause me pain, when we’d already moved so far beyond that. Like not noticing the last step when you’re going down the stairs; expecting solid ground and instead finding nothing there.”

Nile nodded, blinking back tears. She wanted, for a moment, to reach out to Nicky, to touch him. To check that  _ he  _ was really there. “Yeah. I… get that.”

“I think, this time, I learned a little bit of what Joe must have felt, in France.” Nile must have shown her confusion because Nicky continued, “I hurt you too, Nile. And it’s not the same, because Joe and I are…” 

“Are you and Joe,” she supplied, smiling slightly. 

Nicky smiled tentatively back. “Yes. But you are my little sister, Nile,” he said, and she heard the same love in that endearment that she’d heard when Joe had said it a few days before. “And I hurt you, and now…”

“Yeah,” Nile said, her voice heavy with all the things she didn’t know how to say.

“I  _ am _ sorry, Nile.”

She nodded. “I know. It’s just… you made it look so  _ easy _ .”

“It wasn’t,” Nicky said earnestly. “I swear, it wasn’t. Hurting Joe is… everything I shouldn’t be able to do. It goes against everything I choose, everything I strive to be.” He took a deep breath. “But… I am very good at lying to myself about things like that. At doing things, and continuing to do things, even when deep inside I know they are wrong. It is not a part of myself I usually encourage, anymore.”

“Joe said you think of yourself as a monster.”

Nicky smiled grimly. “Joe and I have an ongoing disagreement about this.”

“He says it’s just that you compartmentalize well.”

Nicky shrugged. “Both can be true.”

Nile nodded slowly, chewing on her lip as she thought about that.

“I was scared of you,” she said after a moment. Nicky winced, but nodded. “I was scared of how you looked at me. Like I was nothing. Like I was a piece of meat that you couldn’t wait to cut open.”

He seemed to curl in on himself slightly at that, but Nile couldn’t quite bring herself to regret the words. They were true, and she was pretty sure she’d needed to say them aloud, at least for her own sake. 

“I… yes. I don’t know how to tell you, Nile, how sorry I am, that I looked at you like that, made you feel that way. But, for what it’s worth, I  _ am  _ sorry.” 

Nile knew he was. It was evident in every line of his body, every micro-expression that crossed his face. Still… 

“Could you have hurt me?  _ Tortured  _ me? Like you did with Joe?” she asked, hating the way her voice sounded both accusatory and pleading.

Nicky tensed. He looked like he was walking to his doom when he answered, but his voice was steady.

“Yes. If I’d had to, if I’d believed it was the right thing or the only choice, or if Andy had asked it of me. Yes, I could have tortured you.”

Nile flinched, unable to suppress her reaction. 

“I kinda hate that I know you’re not lying,” she told him. But it said something, she knew, that she trusted him in this, trusted him to answer her questions truthfully, even though he obviously thought that his answers would make things between them worse. 

Nicky shrugged jerkily, looking kind of like he wanted to flee his own body just to escape this conversation. 

“I won’t lie to you, Nile. Hurting Joe will always be the hardest thing for me to do. It would have been… easier, with you.”

“Then why torture Joe and not me?” she asked. 

Nicky met her eyes squarely. “Because I thought -- and still think -- that it was the right decision. And the right decision is often not the easy one, but it still has to be made. Joe has more experience being tortured, he has experience being tortured by me, he and I have a strong relationship that can survive that kind of strain, and you are our little sister. We would protect you from these things as long as we can.”

As Nile thought about this, Nicky held her gaze for a moment longer and then let his head drop into his hands, looking exhausted. He looked a little bit like he was praying, or awaiting judgment. 

What it came down to, Nile reflected, was that it was her choice. It was her choice to forgive Nicky, her choice to trust him again. The others could hope, could help, but they could not -- would not -- force her. 

She wanted to trust him. She wanted to reach out her hand automatically when he passed her something, knowing without looking that whatever he was giving her wouldn’t hurt, would help. She wanted to feel safe on missions when she knew that Nicky was somewhere she couldn’t see, watching her, protecting her, through the scope of his rifle. She wanted to fall asleep in the same room as the others, Nicky to her right and Andy on her left, and feel sheltered, loved, even as she dreaded waking up choking on phantom water. 

This was her decision, just as much as it had been her decision to leave her old family behind and return to save the others from Merrick’s lab. There was a right decision here, too, but it was still her decision. 

She looked at Nicky, his head bowed, waiting, and Nile decided.

Deep breath.

“Can I have a hug?” she asked. 

Nicky’s head jerked up to look at her so fast she was worried he’d get whiplash, and Nile was horrified to see tears in his eyes. 

“Of course, Nile,” he said, sounding so hopeful, and Nile was suddenly reminded of Booker, and of how very much trust, or lack thereof, meant in this family. 

She moved towards Nicky, and he stood, waiting for her, arms open. He was looking at her as though she were something precious. 

Deep breath. 

Nile wrapped her arms around his waist, and buried her head against his chest. Slowly, tentatively, she felt his hands come up, until one hand cupped the back of her head and the other rested against her back. 

He squeezed her tighter against him, and Nile felt him shudder. She was horrified to realize that he was crying. 

“I’m sorry, Nicky,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry I took so long.”

“It’s ok,” he told her, as though he wasn’t currently dripping tears into her hair. 

She shook her head. “I don’t know if it is. I should have had more faith in you, and I’m sorry I didn’t. But I  _ can _ do better next time.”

Nicky sniffed wetly. “You sound like you’ve been talking to Joe.”

“You know I have,” Nile said, smiling. “He loves you a lot,” she added, and it should have been like saying ‘the sun rises each day’ or ‘snow is cold.’ It should have been silly, unnecessary, and Nicky should have laughed at her. 

But instead he squeezed her tighter and whispered, “Yes, he does. As I love him, Nile. More than anything in this world. I no longer remember how to live without loving Joe.” And, somehow, that was what she’d needed to hear him say. The last ounce of tension drained out of her.

“I love you, Nicky.”

“I love you too, Nile.” She could hear his smile. 

“Thank you for keeping me safe, the other day, even though it meant hurting Joe,” she said, pulling away slightly to look up into his eyes. 

He looked down at her, eyes intense but  _ warm _ .

“I will  _ always  _ do  _ anything _ in my power to protect you, Nile,” he promised seriously, and she was relieved to find that the words didn’t scare her. Instead, she felt warm, safe. She buried her head against Nicky’s chest, and held him tighter. 

___

Nile kept her arms around him for a few more minutes before stepping gently away. Nicky let her go, although he immediately missed the warmth of her arms. He shuddered in their absence, suddenly feeling cold and exhausted and absolutely wrung out. 

Nile looked at him, concerned. “You okay, Nicky?” 

He tried to focus. “Yeah. I…” The relief was swamping him. Nile forgave him, and finally,  _ finally,  _ he could believe that everything would be okay. Where was Joe?

“Nicky?” Nile’s voice. The room was blurry. Was he crying?

“Joe?” he asked. 

A hand wrapped around his and tugged him forward. “Come on, Nicky, he’s upstairs.” Nile was towing him along, and then he stumbled on something, nearly falling until she steadied him. “Stairs, Nicky,” she said, sounding exasperated. “I almost had to carry your husband up these stairs last week, and I’m not about to do it again for you.” 

But she would, he knew, if that were her only option. The thought made him giddy. Nile had hardly been able to look at him for the last week, let alone touch him, and her forgiveness was a more powerful balm than he could have anticipated. Nile was just so  _ good _ , and Nicky loved Joe, he trusted Joe, but Joe was biased, and Andy was Andy. But for  _ Nile  _ to hold his hand, to love him. The monster within him seemed to recede even further.

Somehow they made it to the top of the stairs, although Nicky really couldn’t have said how. He was definitely crying, he recognized distantly -- from relief? Happiness? Exhaustion? He wasn’t sure anymore.

“Joe!” he heard Nile call, her voice loud yet distant. “I might have broken Nicky?”

He wanted to tell Nile that no, he was fine, there was no need to worry Joe, but he was crying too hard to form the words.

And then Joe’s arms -- familiar, safe, strong enough to hold him together even as he shook apart -- were wrapped around him, and Nicky heard a low murmur of voices -- Nile, Joe, maybe Andy, but he couldn’t hear them clearly, didn’t really try, because Joe had him now. Joe was leading somewhere, and he followed blindly. 

_ Nile forgives me. I am not a monster. I am forgivable, forgiven.  _

It was all too much -- the light switch, and the memories, then Nile, more memories, France, forgiveness. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept for more than a few hours without being awoken by his or Joe’s nightmares. He was completely drained, and Nicky wondered if he would float away with relief before or after he collapsed in on himself with the leaden weight of exhaustion.

Then Joe pushed him gently, and Nicky let himself fall, trusting Joe implicitly and not at all surprised to find himself on their bed. A moment later, he felt Joe’s warmth at his back, felt himself wrapped safely in Joe’s arms. 

“Go to sleep, love,” Joe whispered. “I’m right here. It’s alright, I’ve got you. Go to sleep.” 

And Nicky did.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We did it! Finally, the last chapter! Hopefully everyone enjoys it (it's a bit shorter than usual, but still), and thanks for sticking with me through an emotionally difficult story. 
> 
> Thank you again everyone for your kind and encouraging comments. Seriously, they bring me so, so much joy.

It was a few hours before Nicky woke up, and Joe spent the time watching over his husband. Joe wasn’t sure what exactly Nicky and Nile had talked about -- as soon as he and Andy had heard the telltale murmur of voices between the other two members of the team, they’d hidden themselves away in the bedroom in order to carefully Not Interrupt the very important conversation that Nile had presumably initiated. 

So when Nile had half-dragged a sobbing Nicky up the stairs, Joe had ultimately been relieved. It wasn’t hard to recognize the signs of emotional exhaustion and bone-deep relief in Nicky’s behavior, at least if you knew what to look for, which he and Andy definitely did. Plus, Nile had been  _ touching _ Nicky, something she had carefully avoided all week, and Joe had felt himself relax at the achingly normal sight. 

Nicky finally began to stir as the light in the room faded towards dusk, and Joe held him tighter, wrapping him in a hug.

“Joe?” Nicky asked sleepily.

“Back with me?” Joe asked, smiling into the back of his husband’s neck. Nicky nodded slightly and snuggled backwards. 

“Is everyone okay? Andy? Nile?” His voice was adorably concerned.

“Yes, love. Everyone’s fine,” Joe replied, amused. 

“I… don’t really remember how I got here,” he admitted, sounding baffled.

“Ah, well, that’s because Nile almost had to carry you up the stairs,” Joe told him.

“Oh, yeah. _ Nile _ .” Joe could hear his smile. 

“All good there?” he asked, but he knew what the answer would be. 

“Yeah.” Nicky sounded giddy with happiness. “I think she forgives me, Joe.”

Joe chuckled, and squeezed Nicky harder. “Of course she does, Nicolo. You deserve nothing less, and Nile is a wise woman.”

“I was very afraid,” Nicky whispered. “She is so new, and we are so new to her. I was afraid that… maybe she saw something in me that you and Andy could no longer see. Or had long ago decided to ignore.”

“She only sees you, Nicolo,” Joe promised. “And now she has seen the good and the bad parts, and she loves you all the same. Just like me and Andy.”

With that, Nicky’s giddiness spilled over into something else, and he sobbed once, twice, as Joe held him through his tears. 

When he had stopped crying, Nicky took a deep breath. “Nile asked me about France,” he said quietly. 

“Ah.” Joe waited for him to go on.

“It had been years since I’d thought about it, before last week. Now I’m thinking again about how you must have felt, listening to me scream and beg for the pain to stop.”

Joe shuddered slightly. “I would say that I don’t recommend the experience, but you already know that.”

“Yes,” Nicky nodded. “I do.” Another deep breath. “This was the longest I’ve ever had to torture you for, you know that?”

“Yeah, I know.” 

“Besides France, the record between you and me was thirty-six minutes, when Andy needed us to stall in Costa Rica.” And that had been more of a beating than full-out torture, if Joe remembered correctly.

He sighed. “I know.” 

Nicky turned then, rotating within the circle of Joe’s arms so that they were face to face on the bed. 

“ _ Yusuf _ ,” he whispered, and Joe closed his eyes against the emotion that swamped him at the tender way Nicky said his name. “My Yusuf. You are everything to me, and I am so lucky. I could not do this without you, without knowing that you are with me.” Joe felt Nicky’s hand come up to caress his face, and he leaned into it, his eyes still closed. “Joe, Joe,  _ Joe. _ My love, my  _ heart _ .”

“ _ Nicolo. _ ” The novelty of Nicky’s name, once again coming so easily to his tongue, had yet to wear off for Joe. He reached up to cup his hand around the back of Nicky’s head, leaning forward. Nicky leaned too, still caressing Joe’s jaw, until they could rest their foreheads together. Joe kept his eyes closed, basking in his husband’s presence and letting himself drift off into the warmth and safety of the embrace.

___

Dinner that night was a significantly more relaxed affair than it had been in the last week. Nicky seemed so loose-limbed and relaxed that, if the thin walls didn’t mean she knew better, Nile might think that he and Joe had done more than nap that afternoon. Andy and Joe also looked pleased, and she realized again how much strain her avoidance of Nicky had been putting on all of them. And even if Joe still flinched at particularly loud noises or fast movements, it seemed to happen less and less, and none of them would call him out on it unless he made it clear he wanted to talk.

As they were finishing up the meal, Andy cleared her throat. “So,” she began once she had their attention, “I’m an old woman.” 

Nile choked on her water while Nicky raised his eyebrows.

Joe grinned. “Yes, we know,” he said, and Andy scowled at him. 

“Anyways. I’m thinking that perhaps the armchair isn’t the most comfortable bed.”

“I offered you the couch!” Nile exclaimed, unwilling to let Joe and Nicky think she’d been  _ making  _ Andy sleep in the chair. The other woman had even refused the cot from upstairs.

“Andy is stubborn like that,” Nicky said sagely, and boy did Nile know it. 

There was a pause in the conversation as Andy seemed to be waiting for something. Nicky and Joe exchanged a glance.

Finally, Joe spoke. “Sleep upstairs tonight.”

“Are you sure?” Nile asked before she could stop herself. She’d been hearing their nightmares, and wouldn’t have blamed them if they’d wanted more privacy. But before everything had gone to shit, when Nicky had been undercover and it had just been her, Joe, and Andy staying in this safehouse, Joe and Andy had each taken a bed in the only bedroom, while Nile had slept on a cot on the floor between them. It would feel right, she thought, to go back to that. Even better with Nicky there.

“We wouldn’t have offered if we weren’t sure,” Nicky told her kindly. 

Joe was looking at her now. “There will be nightmares,” he warned. 

Nile shrugged. “We all get nightmares. Anyways, it’s not like we can’t hear you from down here.” Then she froze, wondering if she should have at least left them the illusion of privacy. Hurriedly she added, “I mean, we can’t hear what you’re saying, or anything. Just the screaming and a little bit of sobbing and… Sorry, I’ll shut up now.”

Nicky snorted slightly, and Nile smiled at him tentatively. It was nice, being around Nicky now. Sometimes, deep down, she still felt the shiver of fear when she looked at him, or the anger that she’d felt watching him hurt Joe. But her conversation with Nicky earlier had unfrozen her, and now it felt possible for her to face those feelings, to confront them, accept them, and move forward.

“Smooth, kid,” Andy told her, and Nile turned to the other woman to stick out her tongue. Joe laughed at her, and if his eyes were still slightly shadowed, he didn’t have the haunted, hunted look he’d been wearing for days. Nicky reached out his hand, stopping halfway across the table for Joe to meet him halfway. Joe did, squeezing briefly, and Nile smiled at their joined hands while Andy pointedly moved her wine glass further away from their admittedly inconveniently placed limbs. 

“So, it’s settled. We’ll all sleep upstairs tonight,” Andy declared, and Nile, Nicky, and Joe all nodded, as though agreeing to a plan of attack. 

They’d be okay, Nile knew now. It might take time for everything to go back to normal, but they would be okay. And she would have Andy, Joe, and Nicky to help her through it, and to explain to her, patiently and forgivingly, when she struggled to understand. Nile leaned back in her chair, and smiled as she looked around the table at this bizarre family.

___

That night, Nicky couldn’t sleep. If Joe were awake, he would say that  _ this is why you shouldn’t take three hour naps in the afternoon, Nicolo. _ But Joe was tucked safely behind him, back against the wall, limbs wrapped around Nicky as though holding him in place. On his other side, Nile was snoring slightly on her cot. She had her back to Nicky, and her body was relaxed, which hopefully meant she wasn’t dreaming of Quynh. Andy had been awake for a while earlier, laying on the bed on the other side of the room. When their eyes had met over Nile’s sleeping form, Andy had smiled at him before deliberately closing her eyes and slowing her breathing.

It was nice to have Andy and Nile up here with them. Nicky knew they’d been staying downstairs more for Nile’s sake than anything else -- he and Joe would have been ready for their presence days ago, comforted by the evidence of everyone’s safety in the wake of their nightmares. This was better. Nicky smiled and let his eyes close.

Nicky was almost asleep when Joe stiffened behind him. Nicky’s eyes shot open and he tensed, listening to Joe’s breathing speed up. A whimper escaped his lips. 

“Yusuf,” Nicky whispered, trying to untangle himself from Joe’s legs enough to turn around. “Joe, wake up. It’s a dream, Joe, it’s okay.”

A moment later, Joe did wake up, shooting into a sitting position with a scream, eyes wide and panicked as he shoved away from Nicky, scrambling to brace himself against the wall. His breath was coming in harsh gasps, and Nicky moved carefully back, trying not to startle him. 

Then the room was flooded in light, and Nicky didn’t need to turn around to know that Andy had switched on the lamp and that Nile was sitting on her cot, watching them. Nicky stayed focused on his husband, who was blinking rapidly as his eyes adjusted to the brightness.

“Joe, Yusuf, it’s okay, it was a dream, everything is okay now. Look at me, Joe.” 

Slowly, Joe’s eyes cleared, and he turned his head to look at Nicky. 

Nicky nodded encouragingly. “Good, yes.”

Joe whimpered slightly. “Nicky?” 

“I’m here. We’re safe. Can I touch you?”

Instead of responding, Joe threw himself forward, and Nicky wrapped his arms around his shaking husband, murmuring reassurances as Joe cried into his shoulder. After a few minutes of this, Joe pulled back, and Nicky saw his eyes flicker across the rest of the room. 

“Everyone’s safe,” Nicky reassured him. Joe nodded shakily, then grabbed Nicky’s hand, pulling him towards the wall so that they could curl up together against the wall. 

“The kid and I are going to make hot chocolate,” Andy announced. “We’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Nicky saw Nile nod and square her shoulders, and would have had trouble hiding his amusement at her soldierly attitude if it weren’t for Joe, curled into his side and still crying softly. 

When the others were gone, Nicky turned to his husband. 

“Did you want to talk about it?”

Joe sniffed. “Not really.”

“Okay,” Nicky agreed easily, knowing that Joe would talk when he was ready and allowing him to rebury his head against Nicky’s body instead.

They sat like that for a few minutes, Joe’s sobs slowly subsiding, until Joe murmured, “Love you, Nicky.”

Nicky smiled into Joe’s hair. “Love you too, Joe.”

The silence was comfortable, and when Nile and Andy returned, Nicky scooted on the bed to make room for them. Andy smiled at them, handing them each a mug, which Nicky noted that Joe took with relief, probably happy to have something to hide the way his hands were shaking. Andy bent over and Nicky closed his eyes with a smile when he felt her kiss on his forehead, before she moved to give Joe the same treatment. 

When Nicky opened his eyes, Andy was sitting on the bed with them, and Nile was still watching from the middle of the room, clearly unsure of what to do. Nicky motioned her over, smiling, and Nile came, carefully passing a mug to Andy before hesitating again. 

“You can sit, Nile,” Joe said. His voice was still slightly rough, but steadier. 

Nile smiled. “I know,” she said, but didn’t move. Instead, she stood over Nicky, just as Andy had done. Nicky tilted his head to look up at her, smiling. “May I?” Nile asked, and Nicky nodded. Slowly, she bent down and pressed a kiss to his forehead, and Nicky let his eyes close as he basked in her love. It had been so long since he’d had another sister. 

Nile pulled away and Nicky opened his eyes to watch her move towards Joe. He was looking up at her with a smile, and Nile carefully asked again, “May I?” Joe nodded, still smiling, and Nile leaned down and kissed his forehead. Nicky watched as Joe’s eyes fell closed and his hand came up to wrap around Nile’s waist and pull her into a gentle hug, careful not to spill either of their drinks. Nicky felt Andy’s arm around his shoulders, and he leaned into her side, still watching his husband and their sister. 

“Everything’s okay,” Andy whispered, the words for his ears alone. Nicky didn’t trust himself to respond, so he nodded slightly, smiling through the tears that were now inexplicably running down his cheeks. He reached out his hand and Joe sensed it coming, his hand leaving Nile’s waist to reach out in return, his fingers automatically intertwining inextricably with Nicky’s.  _ Everything’s okay.  _ Nicky closed his eyes, squeezed Joe’s hand, and knew it to be true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading <3


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